Self-Discoveries Happen When You Least Expect Them (...Much Like Love)

     The plan was that I was going to spend the afternoon and stay over at a guy friend's house. There was nothing really planned other than I was gonna spend time with them for their weekend off. We spent the day together going from friend's housewarming, to dinner with his folks, back to housewarming, and then the club. Once it was near closing time, we went to Denny's and then to his place for the night. We watched Batman Forever and our topic of conversation may have made a turn for the raunchy side. I will admit, I had an attraction to him. he had a lot of the personality qualities that I admired and he was, to me, easy on the eyes.

     As one may guess, the conversation took a turn from playful banter to a little more seductive. I was given the expressed warning that "if I start something, I had to finish it" and that is exactly what happened. He was gentle and showed me that I can enjoy being a bottom as long as the other partner knows what they are doing. I would be lying if I said that I didn't grow a little more attached to him after that. Most of all, afterward, he was still sweet and gentle, and made me feel like a human being with feelings rather than "just a fuck" like I had previously experienced before with a one night encounter.

     After mentioning the great time I had had to a couple of close friends, an inside joke had started that I think got a little too carried away, and may have been the downfall to there ever being a future between us, well, any chance of a romantic relationship at least. However I did learn a lot from him and not just about the physical aspect of intimacy, but also in what I want and/or need in a life partner. For that I will forever be grateful to him.


    Update (as of 8/22/16): The gentleman in this post is currently in a relationship and happily married. We are still friends even though we don't chat or hang out as much as we used to, we are still connected on social media and I am always happy to hear of any good news that comes his way, including (and he actually mentioned it to me in a message) his relationship and eventual marriage. I am thoroughly happy for him and wish him and his husband the absolute best.

Facebook and Photographs

These past few weeks have been quite eventful and busy. I went to my "adoptive parents" 50th wedding anniversary party. For those wondering, no, I'm not adopted they sort of became a second set of parents to me when I was growing up and living in Gardiner, Maine.
I went to Pemaquid Point with both sets of parents. I took many photos and got a nice sun burn/tan. It's more of a tan than a burn, since it really never hurt.
I also went on a date to Fort Williams. It was very peaceful and a gorgeous area.

Today, I was lectured about putting the pictures that both mom and I took in my photo album on Facebook. "It looks like you took all the pictures and we have to go to your page and your albums to see them."

I don't know what it is about Facebook, and photographs, but it seems to cause a LOT of drama. People don't want other people "Sharing" their photos, I'm in the dog house for adding both sets of photos from mom and I's camera in my photo album.
When we went and took the pictures at Pemaquid Point, I had just gotten out of work and was asked to go. I'm glad I did because I had a good time. After we got home, I put the pictures that I took in the photo album on my profile and stated that after, I was gonna go to bed since I had to work that night as well. Well, as soon as they showed up on my page I was asked to put the others on. I stated that I was tired and planned on getting some rest before work, I was told that it wouldn't take me long and to do it. To make things simple and easier for me, I posted them under my account on the same album to save time and not have to to fuddle around with the separate computers or logging on and off of Facebook.

I'm just fed up with the drama when it comes to photos on Facebook. Who fucking cares who took what photo, and all the "oh those are my photos, I'm now not okay with you having them on your Facebook page", and all that bullshit. Who fucking cares.
Firstly, if you don't want your photos shared and what not, CHANGE THE PRIVACY SETTINGS! if you have it set to only YOUR FRIENDS, then ONLY YOUR FRIENDS will see them. A message will appear stating that "you can not view this photo because you are not friends with the person who posted it" will pop up. PROBLEM SOLVED.
As far as the last one, I added the photos on their account in their own album, All the photos because they wanted ALL of the photos....and then made it clear that "I"m not posting any more God-damned photos on my profile because people tend to get touchy about pictures and photos on Facebook."  Now, run that through your teeth.

I Just Can't Stop Listening!

I've discovered Podcasts..... I'm in a seventh heaven right now, listening to a LOT of Dan Savage and the Savage Love Podcast. I can't seem to get enough of it and each half hour, or more, segment seems to slip by very fast. I've listened to other Podcasts that are just as long, maybe a little longer, but all have DRAGGED!!!! Either they dragged or I just can't seem to get into them like Dan's. I sort of wish I could start my own, but I'm not sure on what I'd talk about. One idea was using Danessa and creating a "School of Drag" Podcast, however, I think that one will probably have to wait until I know what I'm doing or decide to want to look into it further at all. Another idea, the one that prompted me to take interest in starting a Podcast, was a Music Theory podcast since there are none, if any.
I did a search for Podcasting "How-to's" and discovered that Blogger, this site that my blog that your reading at this very moment is on, also allows for Podcasts via the RSS feed. All of this is something I would love to learn more about. I do know that I can create a podcast and upload it into a post on here, too. OR I can use PodOmatic, a website designed for creating and sharing podcasts. The more I think about it, the more I want to learn about this and how it works and how to create it and everything in the creation side. I feel it would be fun, Fun, FUN! Ha ha ha.

On a more personal level, I've been talking to a guy in Rochester, NH. So far he seems amazing. We have lots in common, and some things that are not but keep us unique. He's been through similar to what I've been through over the years in the dating scene. He seems to be just about everything that I want/need/looking for.  We are already talking about meeting up, possibly first date. I'm a little leery of this because we haven't really been talking that long, and I know some say to meet up after the second message, but I feel like I want to take things super gradual. Not just because I'm scared of what could/could not happen, but I don't have a lot of flexibility at this time to devote to trips to New Hampshire. I'm sure they will be required after a while. I would like to move to New Hampshire, however, I won't be able to for a long while, and I don't feel he should have to uproot to be with me. So far, we're just talking, nothing set in stone. I really like him. I'm just not sure if he'd be okay with wanting to take things really slow, start out just as friends. :-S

UPDATES:

Birthday Ditcher: SO, the person that ditched me on my birthday feels bad about what happened, he was "drunk". I get it, I understand it. Does that make what happened right? No. Am I willing to forgive? Hell yes. I suppose I should contact them soon to let them know that I'm no longer unsafe to message, now that I've cooled off.

The Guy with the Eyes:  So far, I haven't seen or met up with the guy with the eyes that made me have visions of an old friend and crush. The most for contact that they have sent me is game requests on facebook and that's about it. I'm not entirely sure if they even remember talking to me that night. Anyway, I need to stay away from him in order to keep myself out of trouble.

What is wrong with ME??

Birthdays can be fun. They can also be horrible on occasion. Sometimes, just when you think everything is going well, it takes a sharp turn for the worst. That was kinda how my birthday was. The day went by pretty well, and I invited a special friend to go out with me to the bar and hang out shoot some pool and with intentions of hopefully fulfilling some desires that both of us had. He called me and said he would go but couldn't stay out long because he had an event he had to go to in the morning, but definitely wanted to go out. I went and picked him up and we went down to the bar.
We kept exchanging seductively, flirty suggestions through out the night and I thought that everything was going good. A few acquaintances joined us while playing pool and I started noticing that his attention had focused to the other guy. Then the not so subtle flirting. At the end of the night, he hopped in their cab leaving me alone stating "I'm going with them."

At this point, I have a good idea of what POSSIBLY happened. I don't want to know if any of it actually happened or not, I really don't. I don't care. I just want to know what is wrong with ME??? Why is it that someone is interested, then another guy comes along and suddenly I'm no longer what they want, it's the other person. What's wrong with ME??? I'm a decent guy, I have my faults, my quirks....but when establishing a possible fuck buddy or one time fling doesn't happen even though they've been "wanting to fuck me for quite some time" and turns into "oh, I'm going home with someone else" .....It leaves me wondering what really is so wrong with me? Maybe he thinks that because he's able to get a hold of me easier, it's ok to ditch me for someone he may not see again. I don't know.
The whole situation and everything that happened has been replaying over and over in my head and I can't quite figure out what exactly am I doing wrong. I try for a relationship....that doesn't seem to work because of complications of either, distance, preferred position (top, bottom, etc.), or the classic "found someone better".
I'm confused and a little hurt, forget the fact that it was my birthday. Yay, I got dissed and dismissed on my birthday. .......I feel like the more I try, the less I try, it makes no difference. I actually feel bad for the guys who get to know me and end up falling for me when it's not mutual. I really, really, do. I know how it feels. It can be confusing, frustrating, and depressing. Yes, I've been there on many occasion. I always try to at least give the person a chance, see if there might be a connection, however, that tends to end up seeming like I'm being misleading.

I'm at a loss, I'm not sure how to feel or how to react. Part of me is frustrated and upset about what happened, but there is also the other part of me that thinks that there isn't really anything to get too upset about, I'm over thinking things, and that there is ample time and opportunity for us to follow through with what we were planning. In the mean time, I'm not gonna make any rash decisions and/or actions. Let it flow for now. But still, there is always the lingering question....What's wrong with ME? Why am I always the one trying to win and keep another's attention. How come I'm not good enough?

If "Happy Ever After" Did Exist...

I have fallen in love a few times before. I've had my heart broken a few times as well. The feeling kinda scares me, the feeling of letting yourself be vulnerable and letting someone have full access to your heart. Recently I had something disturb me. I looked into someone's eyes and felt vulnerable in the "fall in love" sort of way. Obviously, I don't know them well enough to be falling in love, however, it did remind me of a time when this sort of thing happened before and I did.
I was introduced to one of my friend's co-workers, back along, and we seemed to hit it off as friends. He was always hanging out at my friend because of their neighbor, whom he eventually started dating and moved in with. Whenever I was over to my friends, he'd stop over and say hi and we'd chat. I used to enjoy our chats because we'd look each other in the eyes, and whenever I looked into his, I always had a good feeling. Him and his girlfriend had extended an invitation to me and a friend of mine to come over for drinks and hang out one night. The girls and I were sipping coffee brandy and he was drinking beer. We had ran out of brandy so the girls and I went to the store to pick up another bottle. As we were about to exit we noticed the gumball machines with novelty toys and assorted candies, one of which contained miniature glow sticks. we all had a few quarters and got one for ourselves and then went back to the apartment. When we got back, he had the radio going and was listening to classic rock. His girlfriend told him we had gotten the mini glow sticks and said that if he wanted one he was gonna have to get it from us, we had put them in our mouths, like tooth picks. He glanced over at me and said, "Just this once" and took the glow stick from my mouth with his. I, in turn took my friend's glow stick from her in the same fashion and that started the glow stick swap. Once one had their glow stick taken they got another from a person of their choice.
I'm not sure if his beer had mixed with his curiosity or if the game we were playing was the excuse he needed, but either way, he had started going after the glow stick that was in my mouth more, each time letting his mouth get closer and closer to mine. Then, he decided to do a double swap, our mouths definitely touch to the point of almost kissing. Over the course of the evening the glows sticks started disappearing. I was in the middle of a conversation with his girlfriend when suddenly he approached us, grabbed me, and kissed me. I was shocked. Eventually, she dumped him after her ex came back.
A while after, I met up with him again and we started hanging out together as friends. One night we went to the pool hall and shot some pool. He wanted to go out somewhere to get a drink, so we stopped a bar along the way. He noticed that I was looking at someone in the crowd and said "See someone you like."  I muttered a response about how I had but they haven't admitted it yet. He looked at me and said we'd talk more in the car, and changed subject. On the ride home, I got nervous thinking I had offended him by my comment since he wouldn't talk to me about what happened in the bar. It wasn't until we arrived at the drive to his house that he turned down the radio and began to talk to me straight faced. "What you said in the bar.....your right. I don't know why but I'm falling in love with you. I'm just wondering how I'm going to tell my parents." Before getting out of the car, he kissed me, and then walked the rest of his driveway to his house. Once again, I was shocked because I had been half joking in my response when he asked me if I saw someone I liked.
We hung out a few times after that. One night, he was having a rough night, and decided that, after talking to someone at the bar, he was going to join the military in hopes he wouldn't come back alive. After falling in love with him, I was concerned. He didn't want to go home that night, so I called our mutual friend if it was okay for us to come over and spend the night. We went and talked for a while before going inside. I confirmed my feelings for him and that what he was saying concerned me because I feared losing him like that. He kissed me said he loved me too and then we went in to our friends place. We fell asleep next to each other. In the morning, we all talked. He was still determined to join the military. I said that as long as he wasn't going for the sole purpose of dying in combat, I would be okay with it. He said that he had nothing to live for and no one who truly cares about him. When our friend asked about me, that I cared about him. He looked at her and told her that he could never be with a "She-male" like me. We stopped hanging out and lost contact. Before I had changed my number, he would still call and try and keep in touch, but I didn't see the point continuing our friendship if he was going to keep leading me on.

While at karaoke, I met an old friend. Not the same guy as the story, but similar effect with the eye contact. We became friends on facebook and he talked about hanging out. Now, I'm just hoping history doesn't repeat itself.

I Guess I Shouldn't Be So Surprised...

I suppose it shouldn't be any surprise to me that society seems to be CLEARLY more messed up than I thought. I guess the names of the boys who harassed Karen Klein have been released, and NOW, it's them and THEIR families that are being harassed. I'm sure there are quite a few people out there who are like "Yeah, time to give them a taste of their own medicine!" Honestly, what is that gonna solve? It's just gonna prove to them that what they did was okay because that's how we handle things and it makes it okay. Currently, people ARE harassing their families and I feel that is down right despicable! TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT, FOLKS!!!! I'm APPALLED by this particular reaction. The families have been on the receiving end of death threats. In one incident, the police was told that one family was being held hostage, only to find that the family was home safe and sound.

So, I guess, we are a vengeful nation when an adult gets bullied by a child, but when it comes to children bullying other children, we look at the bullying as "character building." Today's society sickens and scares me. If this is our first instinct to react towards the bullies families this way, then we have a LOT to learn from our ancestors. Bullies are not born, they are taught and made. I don't think it's just at home, but I think a lot of what society does as well. One of the kids says he was thinking of Tosh.0 when he was insulting Mrs. Klein. I admit, I do enjoy watching Tosh.0 but I do find that the segment in which he has 15 seconds to make as many jokes about a picture can be a bit crude at a times. The kids need to be taught that they shouldn't copy what happens on TV. I also feel that Parents should be mindful of what they watch around their kids and, at least, explain to them that although it may be funny, it's rude, impolite, and wrong to be mean to people.

I think I've had my fill ranting for today. Comment and let me know what you think on here and on Facebook. and Please, check out Ron Kemp's Blog Enough is Enough.

...One For The Road.

So, this will be my last post for today, I wanted to help raise awareness to Teen Suicides and bullying. I recently discovered a blog by someone who is trying to not only raise awareness, but also help stop the bullying. Ron Kemp and his blog, Enough is Enough, inspired me to write about being bullied in school. I have tried to put all of that in the past and behind me, almost to the point of erasing it from my memory. I remember times when I was so depressed, I thought of ending my life. It was my close friends who cared about me enough to raise awareness to teachers and other friends who cared about me and helped me see that killing myself wasn't the solution, and that it would cause more harm than good. Please, check out his blog (link at the bottom of this post) and help him and myself raise awareness and lets put an end to teen suicide. It doesn't matter who you are or what you are, bullying is wrong and it needs to stop.
                                                                          Thank you. ~Dave




Ron Kemp's Enough Is Enough