Reflections from a sort of Pheonix

May 18th, 2018 1:14am

so far a year or so may have gone by, and I am writing this from the porch of the Cabin 3 at Cobbosse Cottages. over a week ago the house we were staying at had a fire that created enough heat damage to deem the place a total loss. we have been here for at least a week and today, less than 12 hours from now, I will be signing the lease to our new apartment. Mark and I's belongings survived the fire, now we need to get them. One bed, One chair, two dressers, a TV stand and several boxes left packed up since the last move are what we have left.

I cant sleep. I've tried. no use. I worry about being able to get our things which may be in a couple days. A couple days with out a bed, chairs, dressers, and stands.I long for normalcy. I want to not worry. but for now I will have to push back my worries and fears and attempt to rest.

I looked up Huntsville, Alabama and wished we had moved sooner. I'm a survivor, but when hope is of limited supply and when things happen to give hope, you cherish them. I am grateful for our friends and family, I just wish some of them were here right now. The ones I least expected I would hope for are the ones several miles away. My family is nearby, but can't always help.

I suppose I should try and get some sleep. my alarms come early. So for now, I will empty my thoughts and focus on sleep. Maybe an idea or guidance shall pay me a visit.  -Moony

Long Time, No See!

4So, my last post was back in July of 2013 and was more of a rant than an information post about my life. Not to worry, this post won't follow suit. Since this is now August of 2016, it is definitely in need of an update as to all the goings on. (That is if I can remember everything. Ha ha ha) In previous posts I had mentioned my lack of a good memory.

My last post was about a one night affair back in 2012. Since then, work started to go down hill. From an issue of discrimination against me and whistle blowers retaliation when I tried to mention something about it to management. At the turn of the year, I moved out of my folks house and in with friends. A month later, I left my job at the travel plaza as things got progressively worse and working only two nights a week for less than 3 or 4 hours a shift. I was without work for a few months but eventually started working again at Best Buy. It was/is one of the best jobs I have ever had. I use was/is because I was a seasonal employee that was let go after the holiday and was eventually re-hired after an opening appeared.

When it comes to love, I was in no short supply. I dated a man named Zach who was very musical and sweet. We had two times in which we had been together over the course of the year before I started working at Best Buy, but ultimately decided we enjoyed each other more so as friends than as lovers. A mutual separation that worked well for both of us.

During pride of 2013, I met a lovely couple of Becky and Aaron. I had been friends with Becky for a long time on facebook, but never met until then. We made plans and they swept me away for a lovely weekend.

After starting work at Best Buy (as seasonal) and with no current relationship, I started dating a co-worker. This is also a first for me. I've never dated a co-worker before. The closest to dating a co-worker was with Eric, however we were in different stores in different towns. Mark (Best Buy co-worker) worked with me at the same location, we saw each other almost every day, and I was a little nervous about dating at first but something told me it would be ok.

November 5th, 2013 we made it official that we would be exclusive. December, 21st I moved in with him and a few Best buy co-workers. That would get interesting as some of the other Best Buy associates that live there would move out to be replaced with some rather sketchy folks. a couple of them were okay, but the house once nicknamed "the Best Buy house" soon became the "party house" including a lot of drug use by the other tenants (mostly Marijuana).

January 18th, 2014 I would be my last day at Best Buy as a seasonal employee. I was put on the chopping block for termination by corporate over a lady who worked, and went to school to work in the hospital, full time. The GM tried everything he could to reverse the termination, however corporate had it's way. At the same time, Mark was leaving for a week to go to Alabama to attend his great grandfather's funeral. I was devastated and lost knowing that i was once again jobless, and he wasn't going to be around if i needed to talk. I started getting depressed and every now and then, Mandi one of our Best Buy co-workers and roommates would check on me to make sure I was ok.

Mark would eventually return and I started getting back into Theater. I was in a dinner theater show with my Cousin at the Elks Lodge. It was a lot of fun and I really enjoyed it, plus made a few friends and got invited to do their Rock and Roll show where I debuted Danessa Jade to an unsuspecting Gardiner Audience to rave review and a few stunned folks who just loved my performances. Oh, boy! was I thrilled.

August of 2014, Mark asked me to marry him and I said yes. Not long after, I would be re-hired as part-time for Best Buy. Things began to look up. 

As stated above, people would leave our apartment only to be replaced by sketchier people. Even a once great friendship between Mark and one of our roommates would start to fade away, his eyes would open and see what I was already seeing. His friend, our roommate, and former co-worker was slowly going down a path that neither of us liked, but we could do nothing about it. We looked for different apartments and eventually found one in Vassalboro, about 30 minutes from work.

November 15th, 2014 we would move in and leave the Best Buy house void of any Best Buy associates. We would later discover that our previous apartment, the Best Buy house, would be searched for drugs by police, and all tenants in the apartment would be evicted in January 2015. we made it out only a couple months prior by sheer dumb luck.

We would have our own issues with the new apartment as well, but not of that scale. Early December we would have a flood (basement apartment) that we have us staying at Mark's Grandparents for about a week or two for them to clean and fix the damage. After the flood, the apartment was never the same. an unnoticed problem continued to rear it's head, leaking from the pipes above us that would cause the ceiling to leak, scary at first but now, since "we can't locate where it's coming from" is all we got from the maintenance team of the property managers, we are almost used to it's occurance. heavy rain also seeps in from somewhere on the outer wall in our kitchen/bathroom area causing the kitchen to be flooded during heavybrain storms. The maintenance team has no ears to listen to issues about what's going on. "We can't find where it's coming from" is a common theme of excuses that we are given. We chose to live with it because no matter how many times we report the issues we are given nothing but excuses. I will say, the financial team of the property management company has been spectacular, their major flaw is their Maintenance team, which the head maintenence person is lazy and hires lazy employees. This is also the apartment from which I am writing this post, still here after almost 2 years, but not for long, we are looking to move in the near future.

The apartment issues has about as much to do with us moving as it does that the location of where we are is a bit further out of town than I really wanted to be. Especially, where I wasn't driving and no longer had a car. Stores for household needs were walking distance away when living at Best Buy house since it was one street over from the commercial side of town. Here, you have to drive at least 10 or 15 minutes before you even get to the closest gas station. That would be at least an hour or two or more walking for me. After quite a few leaks and kitchen floods, I broke down. I was not happy here and made it known about all I was unhappy about, the maintence crew, the flooding and leaking, the fact that we are so far away from everything including work; I was an unhappy diva. A month later Mark had a similar breakdown and listed almost everything I had mentioned, mostly the apartment water issues, and I looked at him and simply stated "welcome to my perspective".

Don't get me wrong, I love the apartment but I hate the issues and the location. it's unfortunate that I can't just uproot this section and take it with us. Ha ha ha. I'm sure the problems would also follow us as well. It has potential as long as the right Maintenence crew, Property Management company, and owner work together to fix. I can tell you, that it needs a lot of work and it would take moving the tennants in our apartment  as well as the ones above us to be out of an apartment for some time to find and fix all the issues. I honestly don't forsee that happening, but I could be wrong. I hope for the absolute best all around though.

Well, I think I have gotten this blog up to speed and I know this has been lengthy post read as well. I just couldn't give up on this blog. It was a passion project for a while, and I am bad at keeping up to date on a lot of things. I want to start writing again and what a better way to do so than to revist old works of progress such as this. Now my promise: I promise that I shall always return to this diary, even after 2 or 3 years, like in this case, I will still return and post something.

Until next post, hopefully sooner than 3 years from now, 
          ~David

Point of view and Pet Peeves

I saw this post on Craig's :List and felt the need to respond. First and foremost to the writer, I'm sincerely sorry that your husband has been cheating on you and you found out about it. Yes, you have a right to be angry and upset. He lied to you and/or neglected to tell you that he is actually bi-sexual or bi-curious and wants to suck another guys cock. I'm sorry that you are deeply hurt and upset by this.

Now that I got my apologies and condolences out, I'm going to break down be very blunt and honest, state MY opinion, and welcome any feedback. Keep in my that this is solely the OPINION of ONE person and I am NOT stating it as FACT. So here we go:

This is in the Men seeking Men section, primarily gay men post/view posts here....PRIMARILY GAY MEN are the key words here. Some anger infused wife posts this saying that "All of you should have your cocks chopped off..."  Congratulations, Mrs. X, you've just threatened all the gay men who read this in your FIRST SENTENCE.
You appear to blame the men who post on here, Like it's THEIR fault you husband is infatuated by these posts. You call us "Sick" and "Nasty".  DO YOU REALIZE YOUR DISCRIMINATING. your husband cheated on you. YES, I'd be pissed off too, but honey, I'm not gonna go around calling women Sick and Nasty for some of the things THEY post in their section.
"Mine will find out soon enough that I know the truth and he will be regretting his every move afterword" ...Now, obviously, I don't know the entire story of the daily life of you and your husband, but it seems to me like it was something you needed to talk about, and if it wasn't on the table for discussion, then I'd say it's about time you find yourself a gay best friend and get educated, because this letter made you sound like you were an uptight, Bible thumping, Westboro Baptist wannabe. Take your anger and frustration out on your husband, NOT US!

Once again, This is my OPINION. I am not stating this as fact. and OH YES, this woman is being reported.

Self-Discoveries Happen When You Least Expect Them (...Much Like Love)

     The plan was that I was going to spend the afternoon and stay over at a guy friend's house. There was nothing really planned other than I was gonna spend time with them for their weekend off. We spent the day together going from friend's housewarming, to dinner with his folks, back to housewarming, and then the club. Once it was near closing time, we went to Denny's and then to his place for the night. We watched Batman Forever and our topic of conversation may have made a turn for the raunchy side. I will admit, I had an attraction to him. he had a lot of the personality qualities that I admired and he was, to me, easy on the eyes.

     As one may guess, the conversation took a turn from playful banter to a little more seductive. I was given the expressed warning that "if I start something, I had to finish it" and that is exactly what happened. He was gentle and showed me that I can enjoy being a bottom as long as the other partner knows what they are doing. I would be lying if I said that I didn't grow a little more attached to him after that. Most of all, afterward, he was still sweet and gentle, and made me feel like a human being with feelings rather than "just a fuck" like I had previously experienced before with a one night encounter.

     After mentioning the great time I had had to a couple of close friends, an inside joke had started that I think got a little too carried away, and may have been the downfall to there ever being a future between us, well, any chance of a romantic relationship at least. However I did learn a lot from him and not just about the physical aspect of intimacy, but also in what I want and/or need in a life partner. For that I will forever be grateful to him.


    Update (as of 8/22/16): The gentleman in this post is currently in a relationship and happily married. We are still friends even though we don't chat or hang out as much as we used to, we are still connected on social media and I am always happy to hear of any good news that comes his way, including (and he actually mentioned it to me in a message) his relationship and eventual marriage. I am thoroughly happy for him and wish him and his husband the absolute best.

Facebook and Photographs

These past few weeks have been quite eventful and busy. I went to my "adoptive parents" 50th wedding anniversary party. For those wondering, no, I'm not adopted they sort of became a second set of parents to me when I was growing up and living in Gardiner, Maine.
I went to Pemaquid Point with both sets of parents. I took many photos and got a nice sun burn/tan. It's more of a tan than a burn, since it really never hurt.
I also went on a date to Fort Williams. It was very peaceful and a gorgeous area.

Today, I was lectured about putting the pictures that both mom and I took in my photo album on Facebook. "It looks like you took all the pictures and we have to go to your page and your albums to see them."

I don't know what it is about Facebook, and photographs, but it seems to cause a LOT of drama. People don't want other people "Sharing" their photos, I'm in the dog house for adding both sets of photos from mom and I's camera in my photo album.
When we went and took the pictures at Pemaquid Point, I had just gotten out of work and was asked to go. I'm glad I did because I had a good time. After we got home, I put the pictures that I took in the photo album on my profile and stated that after, I was gonna go to bed since I had to work that night as well. Well, as soon as they showed up on my page I was asked to put the others on. I stated that I was tired and planned on getting some rest before work, I was told that it wouldn't take me long and to do it. To make things simple and easier for me, I posted them under my account on the same album to save time and not have to to fuddle around with the separate computers or logging on and off of Facebook.

I'm just fed up with the drama when it comes to photos on Facebook. Who fucking cares who took what photo, and all the "oh those are my photos, I'm now not okay with you having them on your Facebook page", and all that bullshit. Who fucking cares.
Firstly, if you don't want your photos shared and what not, CHANGE THE PRIVACY SETTINGS! if you have it set to only YOUR FRIENDS, then ONLY YOUR FRIENDS will see them. A message will appear stating that "you can not view this photo because you are not friends with the person who posted it" will pop up. PROBLEM SOLVED.
As far as the last one, I added the photos on their account in their own album, All the photos because they wanted ALL of the photos....and then made it clear that "I"m not posting any more God-damned photos on my profile because people tend to get touchy about pictures and photos on Facebook."  Now, run that through your teeth.

I Just Can't Stop Listening!

I've discovered Podcasts..... I'm in a seventh heaven right now, listening to a LOT of Dan Savage and the Savage Love Podcast. I can't seem to get enough of it and each half hour, or more, segment seems to slip by very fast. I've listened to other Podcasts that are just as long, maybe a little longer, but all have DRAGGED!!!! Either they dragged or I just can't seem to get into them like Dan's. I sort of wish I could start my own, but I'm not sure on what I'd talk about. One idea was using Danessa and creating a "School of Drag" Podcast, however, I think that one will probably have to wait until I know what I'm doing or decide to want to look into it further at all. Another idea, the one that prompted me to take interest in starting a Podcast, was a Music Theory podcast since there are none, if any.
I did a search for Podcasting "How-to's" and discovered that Blogger, this site that my blog that your reading at this very moment is on, also allows for Podcasts via the RSS feed. All of this is something I would love to learn more about. I do know that I can create a podcast and upload it into a post on here, too. OR I can use PodOmatic, a website designed for creating and sharing podcasts. The more I think about it, the more I want to learn about this and how it works and how to create it and everything in the creation side. I feel it would be fun, Fun, FUN! Ha ha ha.

On a more personal level, I've been talking to a guy in Rochester, NH. So far he seems amazing. We have lots in common, and some things that are not but keep us unique. He's been through similar to what I've been through over the years in the dating scene. He seems to be just about everything that I want/need/looking for.  We are already talking about meeting up, possibly first date. I'm a little leery of this because we haven't really been talking that long, and I know some say to meet up after the second message, but I feel like I want to take things super gradual. Not just because I'm scared of what could/could not happen, but I don't have a lot of flexibility at this time to devote to trips to New Hampshire. I'm sure they will be required after a while. I would like to move to New Hampshire, however, I won't be able to for a long while, and I don't feel he should have to uproot to be with me. So far, we're just talking, nothing set in stone. I really like him. I'm just not sure if he'd be okay with wanting to take things really slow, start out just as friends. :-S

UPDATES:

Birthday Ditcher: SO, the person that ditched me on my birthday feels bad about what happened, he was "drunk". I get it, I understand it. Does that make what happened right? No. Am I willing to forgive? Hell yes. I suppose I should contact them soon to let them know that I'm no longer unsafe to message, now that I've cooled off.

The Guy with the Eyes:  So far, I haven't seen or met up with the guy with the eyes that made me have visions of an old friend and crush. The most for contact that they have sent me is game requests on facebook and that's about it. I'm not entirely sure if they even remember talking to me that night. Anyway, I need to stay away from him in order to keep myself out of trouble.

What is wrong with ME??

Birthdays can be fun. They can also be horrible on occasion. Sometimes, just when you think everything is going well, it takes a sharp turn for the worst. That was kinda how my birthday was. The day went by pretty well, and I invited a special friend to go out with me to the bar and hang out shoot some pool and with intentions of hopefully fulfilling some desires that both of us had. He called me and said he would go but couldn't stay out long because he had an event he had to go to in the morning, but definitely wanted to go out. I went and picked him up and we went down to the bar.
We kept exchanging seductively, flirty suggestions through out the night and I thought that everything was going good. A few acquaintances joined us while playing pool and I started noticing that his attention had focused to the other guy. Then the not so subtle flirting. At the end of the night, he hopped in their cab leaving me alone stating "I'm going with them."

At this point, I have a good idea of what POSSIBLY happened. I don't want to know if any of it actually happened or not, I really don't. I don't care. I just want to know what is wrong with ME??? Why is it that someone is interested, then another guy comes along and suddenly I'm no longer what they want, it's the other person. What's wrong with ME??? I'm a decent guy, I have my faults, my quirks....but when establishing a possible fuck buddy or one time fling doesn't happen even though they've been "wanting to fuck me for quite some time" and turns into "oh, I'm going home with someone else" .....It leaves me wondering what really is so wrong with me? Maybe he thinks that because he's able to get a hold of me easier, it's ok to ditch me for someone he may not see again. I don't know.
The whole situation and everything that happened has been replaying over and over in my head and I can't quite figure out what exactly am I doing wrong. I try for a relationship....that doesn't seem to work because of complications of either, distance, preferred position (top, bottom, etc.), or the classic "found someone better".
I'm confused and a little hurt, forget the fact that it was my birthday. Yay, I got dissed and dismissed on my birthday. .......I feel like the more I try, the less I try, it makes no difference. I actually feel bad for the guys who get to know me and end up falling for me when it's not mutual. I really, really, do. I know how it feels. It can be confusing, frustrating, and depressing. Yes, I've been there on many occasion. I always try to at least give the person a chance, see if there might be a connection, however, that tends to end up seeming like I'm being misleading.

I'm at a loss, I'm not sure how to feel or how to react. Part of me is frustrated and upset about what happened, but there is also the other part of me that thinks that there isn't really anything to get too upset about, I'm over thinking things, and that there is ample time and opportunity for us to follow through with what we were planning. In the mean time, I'm not gonna make any rash decisions and/or actions. Let it flow for now. But still, there is always the lingering question....What's wrong with ME? Why am I always the one trying to win and keep another's attention. How come I'm not good enough?