....When You Finally Can't Lie Anymore.

     I think I brainwashed myself into not remembering all the negative that happened while I was growing up. I was always a chunky kid growing up, I wasn't into sports, and felt more at home on the stage singing. As a very young child, I remember noticing both genders. As the years progressed, I noticed my body would react differently towards males, but never understood why. At that age, between the ages of 7-10, I had no idea what it was to be Gay. I didn't really play with toy cars, I proffered dolls or "action figures" to tossing a ball around, even if my dad was around more to do so. My Father worked nights, so, I understand the reason for him not being available for that. More so now since I work overnights myself. All I knew was that I was a kid, doing what kids do, play and learn.

     As I got older, there was the introduction of "boyfriends" and "girlfriends" where boys and girls held hands, shared their stuff. It was considered a big deal if one or the other pecked the other on the cheek. In middle school was when I really started to notice my attraction to males. I went to GRMS for my 6th grade year. During that year I tried to keep the front that I was sort of normal. I had crushes on a couple girls that were on my class wing. But I often secretly wondered about a few of the guys. J.H. was kinda dorky but adorable at the same time. R.M. was a typical Jock type and one I often found myself thinking about more often than not. Spring of 2000, My family and I moved to the next town over and would start going to that school instead. During the summer I went off to camp. 

     The church my parents and I went to would send kids to a christian camp every summer. One day, during my first summer there, one of the guys in the cabin I was in came over and talked to me. It was really hot that day and approached me wearing nothing but a long t-shirt. I vaguely remember talking about girls, him asking me about which ones I thought were cute. I have to admit, I had thought he was cute and was really nervous when this happened. I'm not entirely sure of what his name is, I think it was Nick, but that's a guess. Once camp was over, I started my 7th grade year at Hall-Dale Middle. While getting established I happened to become friends with a group of 6 or 7 kids. Among my small group of friends there was one guy whom I would fantasize about. C.H., something attracted me to him like no one else.

     Along with discovering myself, I did have a few bullies. J.C. was one who shoved me in the gym storage closet and held on to the door. after I stopped resisting did he go back and sit down. I was found by the gym teacher who yelled at me for "hiding" in it. I guess he got the class to go along with it. He would also kick my chair in class, seeing as I was assigned to sit in front of him. Another kid, who would follow me to High School, would purposefully bump into me, Randomly pinch my nipples and twist them, and call me different, disrespectful names. Most of it I battled without the help of an adult, sometimes I did go and seek help, however I found that help from the school faculty to be less of help and more of a target setter. The teacher or whoever would talk to the bully who, in turn, would put both situations together and realize that I must have said something and that would warrant more harassing behavior.
     I feel that most kids don't bully as much as they used to in schools only because now days it seems like schools have cameras, on site security, a tighter grip on where each student is at all times. School is almost like an institution or a jail with extremely high security. I've always thought about what if I could go back to high school? Do it all over again.....I would want to go back to the way I knew it, when the bullies could pick on you in school, the internet was a privilege that my parents had to grant me the use of, and I didn't have to worry about cameras or intense security systems. The rate of teen suicides back then was a very small number, or you didn't hear about them that often. If I had to go back in time and do over my high school the way the high school system is now, I would probably, at least, attempt suicide. ALL kids have access to the internet now and, unless the school system doesn't follow each student's facebook feed, bullying gets overlooked.
     I made it, I SURVIVED High School, but there are kids out there who haven't. Be Aware. If there is a kid in school who is being bullied and harassed based on WHATEVER they might be, It's time to take a stand. Be human. If you think that standing up to someone who is being a bully is harmful to your own social status, then you are just as at fault as the bully. You are ALLOWING it to happen. That is just as wrong as committing the act itself. BE HUMAN, show Humanity, or the fate of the human race will end barbarically.



UPDATE: I wanted to extend a much needed credit to the Enough is Enough blog for inspiring this post. I started reading that blog the day I posted this and It woke me up to the fact of how often teens are bullied to the point of ending their lives. Please, help stop the cruelty and be kind to others and teach kindness to others.  And, please, visit the Enough is Enough blog by Ron Kemp. Thank you. ~Dave