What is wrong with ME??

Birthdays can be fun. They can also be horrible on occasion. Sometimes, just when you think everything is going well, it takes a sharp turn for the worst. That was kinda how my birthday was. The day went by pretty well, and I invited a special friend to go out with me to the bar and hang out shoot some pool and with intentions of hopefully fulfilling some desires that both of us had. He called me and said he would go but couldn't stay out long because he had an event he had to go to in the morning, but definitely wanted to go out. I went and picked him up and we went down to the bar.
We kept exchanging seductively, flirty suggestions through out the night and I thought that everything was going good. A few acquaintances joined us while playing pool and I started noticing that his attention had focused to the other guy. Then the not so subtle flirting. At the end of the night, he hopped in their cab leaving me alone stating "I'm going with them."

At this point, I have a good idea of what POSSIBLY happened. I don't want to know if any of it actually happened or not, I really don't. I don't care. I just want to know what is wrong with ME??? Why is it that someone is interested, then another guy comes along and suddenly I'm no longer what they want, it's the other person. What's wrong with ME??? I'm a decent guy, I have my faults, my quirks....but when establishing a possible fuck buddy or one time fling doesn't happen even though they've been "wanting to fuck me for quite some time" and turns into "oh, I'm going home with someone else" .....It leaves me wondering what really is so wrong with me? Maybe he thinks that because he's able to get a hold of me easier, it's ok to ditch me for someone he may not see again. I don't know.
The whole situation and everything that happened has been replaying over and over in my head and I can't quite figure out what exactly am I doing wrong. I try for a relationship....that doesn't seem to work because of complications of either, distance, preferred position (top, bottom, etc.), or the classic "found someone better".
I'm confused and a little hurt, forget the fact that it was my birthday. Yay, I got dissed and dismissed on my birthday. .......I feel like the more I try, the less I try, it makes no difference. I actually feel bad for the guys who get to know me and end up falling for me when it's not mutual. I really, really, do. I know how it feels. It can be confusing, frustrating, and depressing. Yes, I've been there on many occasion. I always try to at least give the person a chance, see if there might be a connection, however, that tends to end up seeming like I'm being misleading.

I'm at a loss, I'm not sure how to feel or how to react. Part of me is frustrated and upset about what happened, but there is also the other part of me that thinks that there isn't really anything to get too upset about, I'm over thinking things, and that there is ample time and opportunity for us to follow through with what we were planning. In the mean time, I'm not gonna make any rash decisions and/or actions. Let it flow for now. But still, there is always the lingering question....What's wrong with ME? Why am I always the one trying to win and keep another's attention. How come I'm not good enough?

If "Happy Ever After" Did Exist...

I have fallen in love a few times before. I've had my heart broken a few times as well. The feeling kinda scares me, the feeling of letting yourself be vulnerable and letting someone have full access to your heart. Recently I had something disturb me. I looked into someone's eyes and felt vulnerable in the "fall in love" sort of way. Obviously, I don't know them well enough to be falling in love, however, it did remind me of a time when this sort of thing happened before and I did.
I was introduced to one of my friend's co-workers, back along, and we seemed to hit it off as friends. He was always hanging out at my friend because of their neighbor, whom he eventually started dating and moved in with. Whenever I was over to my friends, he'd stop over and say hi and we'd chat. I used to enjoy our chats because we'd look each other in the eyes, and whenever I looked into his, I always had a good feeling. Him and his girlfriend had extended an invitation to me and a friend of mine to come over for drinks and hang out one night. The girls and I were sipping coffee brandy and he was drinking beer. We had ran out of brandy so the girls and I went to the store to pick up another bottle. As we were about to exit we noticed the gumball machines with novelty toys and assorted candies, one of which contained miniature glow sticks. we all had a few quarters and got one for ourselves and then went back to the apartment. When we got back, he had the radio going and was listening to classic rock. His girlfriend told him we had gotten the mini glow sticks and said that if he wanted one he was gonna have to get it from us, we had put them in our mouths, like tooth picks. He glanced over at me and said, "Just this once" and took the glow stick from my mouth with his. I, in turn took my friend's glow stick from her in the same fashion and that started the glow stick swap. Once one had their glow stick taken they got another from a person of their choice.
I'm not sure if his beer had mixed with his curiosity or if the game we were playing was the excuse he needed, but either way, he had started going after the glow stick that was in my mouth more, each time letting his mouth get closer and closer to mine. Then, he decided to do a double swap, our mouths definitely touch to the point of almost kissing. Over the course of the evening the glows sticks started disappearing. I was in the middle of a conversation with his girlfriend when suddenly he approached us, grabbed me, and kissed me. I was shocked. Eventually, she dumped him after her ex came back.
A while after, I met up with him again and we started hanging out together as friends. One night we went to the pool hall and shot some pool. He wanted to go out somewhere to get a drink, so we stopped a bar along the way. He noticed that I was looking at someone in the crowd and said "See someone you like."  I muttered a response about how I had but they haven't admitted it yet. He looked at me and said we'd talk more in the car, and changed subject. On the ride home, I got nervous thinking I had offended him by my comment since he wouldn't talk to me about what happened in the bar. It wasn't until we arrived at the drive to his house that he turned down the radio and began to talk to me straight faced. "What you said in the bar.....your right. I don't know why but I'm falling in love with you. I'm just wondering how I'm going to tell my parents." Before getting out of the car, he kissed me, and then walked the rest of his driveway to his house. Once again, I was shocked because I had been half joking in my response when he asked me if I saw someone I liked.
We hung out a few times after that. One night, he was having a rough night, and decided that, after talking to someone at the bar, he was going to join the military in hopes he wouldn't come back alive. After falling in love with him, I was concerned. He didn't want to go home that night, so I called our mutual friend if it was okay for us to come over and spend the night. We went and talked for a while before going inside. I confirmed my feelings for him and that what he was saying concerned me because I feared losing him like that. He kissed me said he loved me too and then we went in to our friends place. We fell asleep next to each other. In the morning, we all talked. He was still determined to join the military. I said that as long as he wasn't going for the sole purpose of dying in combat, I would be okay with it. He said that he had nothing to live for and no one who truly cares about him. When our friend asked about me, that I cared about him. He looked at her and told her that he could never be with a "She-male" like me. We stopped hanging out and lost contact. Before I had changed my number, he would still call and try and keep in touch, but I didn't see the point continuing our friendship if he was going to keep leading me on.

While at karaoke, I met an old friend. Not the same guy as the story, but similar effect with the eye contact. We became friends on facebook and he talked about hanging out. Now, I'm just hoping history doesn't repeat itself.

I Guess I Shouldn't Be So Surprised...

I suppose it shouldn't be any surprise to me that society seems to be CLEARLY more messed up than I thought. I guess the names of the boys who harassed Karen Klein have been released, and NOW, it's them and THEIR families that are being harassed. I'm sure there are quite a few people out there who are like "Yeah, time to give them a taste of their own medicine!" Honestly, what is that gonna solve? It's just gonna prove to them that what they did was okay because that's how we handle things and it makes it okay. Currently, people ARE harassing their families and I feel that is down right despicable! TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT, FOLKS!!!! I'm APPALLED by this particular reaction. The families have been on the receiving end of death threats. In one incident, the police was told that one family was being held hostage, only to find that the family was home safe and sound.

So, I guess, we are a vengeful nation when an adult gets bullied by a child, but when it comes to children bullying other children, we look at the bullying as "character building." Today's society sickens and scares me. If this is our first instinct to react towards the bullies families this way, then we have a LOT to learn from our ancestors. Bullies are not born, they are taught and made. I don't think it's just at home, but I think a lot of what society does as well. One of the kids says he was thinking of Tosh.0 when he was insulting Mrs. Klein. I admit, I do enjoy watching Tosh.0 but I do find that the segment in which he has 15 seconds to make as many jokes about a picture can be a bit crude at a times. The kids need to be taught that they shouldn't copy what happens on TV. I also feel that Parents should be mindful of what they watch around their kids and, at least, explain to them that although it may be funny, it's rude, impolite, and wrong to be mean to people.

I think I've had my fill ranting for today. Comment and let me know what you think on here and on Facebook. and Please, check out Ron Kemp's Blog Enough is Enough.

...One For The Road.

So, this will be my last post for today, I wanted to help raise awareness to Teen Suicides and bullying. I recently discovered a blog by someone who is trying to not only raise awareness, but also help stop the bullying. Ron Kemp and his blog, Enough is Enough, inspired me to write about being bullied in school. I have tried to put all of that in the past and behind me, almost to the point of erasing it from my memory. I remember times when I was so depressed, I thought of ending my life. It was my close friends who cared about me enough to raise awareness to teachers and other friends who cared about me and helped me see that killing myself wasn't the solution, and that it would cause more harm than good. Please, check out his blog (link at the bottom of this post) and help him and myself raise awareness and lets put an end to teen suicide. It doesn't matter who you are or what you are, bullying is wrong and it needs to stop.
                                                                          Thank you. ~Dave




Ron Kemp's Enough Is Enough

Dave's Confessional: #1

     I've never been much of a blogger, vlogger, or anything that had to do with keeping anytime of electronic journal in cyberspace. I've had blogs before with maybe a few post here and there, but mostly about nothing in particular. I've never really had a special "skill" just a love for writing. Needless to say, most of those blogs, vlogs, whatever failed. This blog has been a semi-decent one. I've managed to write posts, have people who read them, if only for maybe one or two view on a few. I had at least 28 on my post about bullying and opening up about being bullied and my hopes for everyone....most likely, those hopes are in vain. I could have just stopped blogging and let it rest, however, I don't post daily, maybe once or twice within a week period. That fact in itself is fairly odd, since all journals I've kept have failed.
     They would start out with "Oh, I have the perfect blog recipe. I'll write about something I like. Then I'll wait a week and make another post." only that never happened, I'd make a post and then  next week would roll around, I'd make another post, etc. Eventually, I would forget a week and try and backtrack and make up for it in the next post....if there ever was one. I may pick up the blog a month or so later and by that time, my interest in whatever it was originally about had lost it's peak. I figured with this one, it was about me, my life, and whatever I wanted to fucking post at any given moment. I could literally write about ANYTHING my heart desired and it would be ok. I could post as many times as I want to no matter when. I tried a daily journal, pen and paper, and kept up with it daily....but eventually missed days and had to recap. That in itself is bad for me because my memory isn't all that great. (I've been trying to exorcise it and keep myself sharp by mixing up Crosswords, Wordfinds, and anagrams. so far, I believe it's working. hopefully. I need more brain games Ha ha ha. Anyway. I wanted to take a brief moment to kinda pat myself on the back for keeping with this blog for as long as I have and updating it as well as I have. You have no idea how easy it is for me to overlook posting on my blogs. I also wanted to thank those who have viewed my posts. I appreciate all the support and views. I'm not looking to "make it big", this is just a place for me to vent and share personal thoughts on a cybertronic blank canvas. Thank you. ~Dave

...Still Got My Health, So Why Do I Care?

     I used to be a smoker. Emphasis on the word "used." Over the last few months after running into a rough patch, smoking was one thing that I gave up. not only because I couldn't afford it, but also because there is nothing I despise more than asking someone for a cigarette. I always feel awkward and guilty, and since they are so expensive to begin with, I feel like they are supporting my habit as well as their own.
     If there is one place the would help me curb my smoking habit, it would be home. I never smoked in the house and would rarely smoke outside the house. If I were to smoke, It would be out at a club, at work, or over to a friend's house. I've managed to average one cigarette a week. That's amazing considering that when I had money and could purchase my own packs, I was smoking at least a pack a week. So figuring one pack per week to one cigarette per week, is quite the accomplishment. oh and I haven't killed anyone. Ha ha ha.
     Being home has been the greatest help in quitting smoking, not being able to go anywhere, that is. Also, there is the fact of not having the money to do anything with as well. After hour cuts and the addition of breaks, equaling more hours cut, my pay has decreased. Looking for other work is a joke. There are others out there who don't have a single job, not being able to find work, let alone, myself who has one looking for another. In a way, I feel like I'm cheating those who are really trying hard to find work whilst trying to make it by, myself. These past few months are going by a little too fast and I'm trying to make due. The one day at a time isn't really working, but when you have no money to do anything, and trying to figure out how the hell to get back on your feet.......it's rough. I have my computer and I look for work. other than that, it is also a great distraction for when I get depressed, nervous, and scared.
     Anyway, my cell, which was temporarily out of service, is still out of service. First comes my car then all other things. HOW MUCH MORE CAN I CUT FROM MY BUDGET!!!!!! I'm down to my car payment, that's it. My folks plan on helping me as soon as July rolls around. but I don't want to wait until then....might as well, since it's almost here already. Ha ha ha. Aside from all the bullshit that people, YES, I SAID PEOPLE, put others through. I'm trying to remain hopeful, calm, and refrain from getting too depressed, because, so far, I still got my health!.

....When You Finally Can't Lie Anymore.

     I think I brainwashed myself into not remembering all the negative that happened while I was growing up. I was always a chunky kid growing up, I wasn't into sports, and felt more at home on the stage singing. As a very young child, I remember noticing both genders. As the years progressed, I noticed my body would react differently towards males, but never understood why. At that age, between the ages of 7-10, I had no idea what it was to be Gay. I didn't really play with toy cars, I proffered dolls or "action figures" to tossing a ball around, even if my dad was around more to do so. My Father worked nights, so, I understand the reason for him not being available for that. More so now since I work overnights myself. All I knew was that I was a kid, doing what kids do, play and learn.

     As I got older, there was the introduction of "boyfriends" and "girlfriends" where boys and girls held hands, shared their stuff. It was considered a big deal if one or the other pecked the other on the cheek. In middle school was when I really started to notice my attraction to males. I went to GRMS for my 6th grade year. During that year I tried to keep the front that I was sort of normal. I had crushes on a couple girls that were on my class wing. But I often secretly wondered about a few of the guys. J.H. was kinda dorky but adorable at the same time. R.M. was a typical Jock type and one I often found myself thinking about more often than not. Spring of 2000, My family and I moved to the next town over and would start going to that school instead. During the summer I went off to camp. 

     The church my parents and I went to would send kids to a christian camp every summer. One day, during my first summer there, one of the guys in the cabin I was in came over and talked to me. It was really hot that day and approached me wearing nothing but a long t-shirt. I vaguely remember talking about girls, him asking me about which ones I thought were cute. I have to admit, I had thought he was cute and was really nervous when this happened. I'm not entirely sure of what his name is, I think it was Nick, but that's a guess. Once camp was over, I started my 7th grade year at Hall-Dale Middle. While getting established I happened to become friends with a group of 6 or 7 kids. Among my small group of friends there was one guy whom I would fantasize about. C.H., something attracted me to him like no one else.

     Along with discovering myself, I did have a few bullies. J.C. was one who shoved me in the gym storage closet and held on to the door. after I stopped resisting did he go back and sit down. I was found by the gym teacher who yelled at me for "hiding" in it. I guess he got the class to go along with it. He would also kick my chair in class, seeing as I was assigned to sit in front of him. Another kid, who would follow me to High School, would purposefully bump into me, Randomly pinch my nipples and twist them, and call me different, disrespectful names. Most of it I battled without the help of an adult, sometimes I did go and seek help, however I found that help from the school faculty to be less of help and more of a target setter. The teacher or whoever would talk to the bully who, in turn, would put both situations together and realize that I must have said something and that would warrant more harassing behavior.
     I feel that most kids don't bully as much as they used to in schools only because now days it seems like schools have cameras, on site security, a tighter grip on where each student is at all times. School is almost like an institution or a jail with extremely high security. I've always thought about what if I could go back to high school? Do it all over again.....I would want to go back to the way I knew it, when the bullies could pick on you in school, the internet was a privilege that my parents had to grant me the use of, and I didn't have to worry about cameras or intense security systems. The rate of teen suicides back then was a very small number, or you didn't hear about them that often. If I had to go back in time and do over my high school the way the high school system is now, I would probably, at least, attempt suicide. ALL kids have access to the internet now and, unless the school system doesn't follow each student's facebook feed, bullying gets overlooked.
     I made it, I SURVIVED High School, but there are kids out there who haven't. Be Aware. If there is a kid in school who is being bullied and harassed based on WHATEVER they might be, It's time to take a stand. Be human. If you think that standing up to someone who is being a bully is harmful to your own social status, then you are just as at fault as the bully. You are ALLOWING it to happen. That is just as wrong as committing the act itself. BE HUMAN, show Humanity, or the fate of the human race will end barbarically.



UPDATE: I wanted to extend a much needed credit to the Enough is Enough blog for inspiring this post. I started reading that blog the day I posted this and It woke me up to the fact of how often teens are bullied to the point of ending their lives. Please, help stop the cruelty and be kind to others and teach kindness to others.  And, please, visit the Enough is Enough blog by Ron Kemp. Thank you. ~Dave