Birthdays can be fun. They can also be horrible on occasion. Sometimes, just when you think everything is going well, it takes a sharp turn for the worst. That was kinda how my birthday was. The day went by pretty well, and I invited a special friend to go out with me to the bar and hang out shoot some pool and with intentions of hopefully fulfilling some desires that both of us had. He called me and said he would go but couldn't stay out long because he had an event he had to go to in the morning, but definitely wanted to go out. I went and picked him up and we went down to the bar.
We kept exchanging seductively, flirty suggestions through out the night and I thought that everything was going good. A few acquaintances joined us while playing pool and I started noticing that his attention had focused to the other guy. Then the not so subtle flirting. At the end of the night, he hopped in their cab leaving me alone stating "I'm going with them."
At this point, I have a good idea of what POSSIBLY happened. I don't want to know if any of it actually happened or not, I really don't. I don't care. I just want to know what is wrong with ME??? Why is it that someone is interested, then another guy comes along and suddenly I'm no longer what they want, it's the other person. What's wrong with ME??? I'm a decent guy, I have my faults, my quirks....but when establishing a possible fuck buddy or one time fling doesn't happen even though they've been "wanting to fuck me for quite some time" and turns into "oh, I'm going home with someone else" .....It leaves me wondering what really is so wrong with me? Maybe he thinks that because he's able to get a hold of me easier, it's ok to ditch me for someone he may not see again. I don't know.
The whole situation and everything that happened has been replaying over and over in my head and I can't quite figure out what exactly am I doing wrong. I try for a relationship....that doesn't seem to work because of complications of either, distance, preferred position (top, bottom, etc.), or the classic "found someone better".
I'm confused and a little hurt, forget the fact that it was my birthday. Yay, I got dissed and dismissed on my birthday. .......I feel like the more I try, the less I try, it makes no difference. I actually feel bad for the guys who get to know me and end up falling for me when it's not mutual. I really, really, do. I know how it feels. It can be confusing, frustrating, and depressing. Yes, I've been there on many occasion. I always try to at least give the person a chance, see if there might be a connection, however, that tends to end up seeming like I'm being misleading.
I'm at a loss, I'm not sure how to feel or how to react. Part of me is frustrated and upset about what happened, but there is also the other part of me that thinks that there isn't really anything to get too upset about, I'm over thinking things, and that there is ample time and opportunity for us to follow through with what we were planning. In the mean time, I'm not gonna make any rash decisions and/or actions. Let it flow for now. But still, there is always the lingering question....What's wrong with ME? Why am I always the one trying to win and keep another's attention. How come I'm not good enough?
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Saturday, July 14, 2012
If "Happy Ever After" Did Exist...
I have fallen in love a few times before. I've had my heart broken a few times as well. The feeling kinda scares me, the feeling of letting yourself be vulnerable and letting someone have full access to your heart. Recently I had something disturb me. I looked into someone's eyes and felt vulnerable in the "fall in love" sort of way. Obviously, I don't know them well enough to be falling in love, however, it did remind me of a time when this sort of thing happened before and I did.
I was introduced to one of my friend's co-workers, back along, and we seemed to hit it off as friends. He was always hanging out at my friend because of their neighbor, whom he eventually started dating and moved in with. Whenever I was over to my friends, he'd stop over and say hi and we'd chat. I used to enjoy our chats because we'd look each other in the eyes, and whenever I looked into his, I always had a good feeling. Him and his girlfriend had extended an invitation to me and a friend of mine to come over for drinks and hang out one night. The girls and I were sipping coffee brandy and he was drinking beer. We had ran out of brandy so the girls and I went to the store to pick up another bottle. As we were about to exit we noticed the gumball machines with novelty toys and assorted candies, one of which contained miniature glow sticks. we all had a few quarters and got one for ourselves and then went back to the apartment. When we got back, he had the radio going and was listening to classic rock. His girlfriend told him we had gotten the mini glow sticks and said that if he wanted one he was gonna have to get it from us, we had put them in our mouths, like tooth picks. He glanced over at me and said, "Just this once" and took the glow stick from my mouth with his. I, in turn took my friend's glow stick from her in the same fashion and that started the glow stick swap. Once one had their glow stick taken they got another from a person of their choice.
I'm not sure if his beer had mixed with his curiosity or if the game we were playing was the excuse he needed, but either way, he had started going after the glow stick that was in my mouth more, each time letting his mouth get closer and closer to mine. Then, he decided to do a double swap, our mouths definitely touch to the point of almost kissing. Over the course of the evening the glows sticks started disappearing. I was in the middle of a conversation with his girlfriend when suddenly he approached us, grabbed me, and kissed me. I was shocked. Eventually, she dumped him after her ex came back.
A while after, I met up with him again and we started hanging out together as friends. One night we went to the pool hall and shot some pool. He wanted to go out somewhere to get a drink, so we stopped a bar along the way. He noticed that I was looking at someone in the crowd and said "See someone you like." I muttered a response about how I had but they haven't admitted it yet. He looked at me and said we'd talk more in the car, and changed subject. On the ride home, I got nervous thinking I had offended him by my comment since he wouldn't talk to me about what happened in the bar. It wasn't until we arrived at the drive to his house that he turned down the radio and began to talk to me straight faced. "What you said in the bar.....your right. I don't know why but I'm falling in love with you. I'm just wondering how I'm going to tell my parents." Before getting out of the car, he kissed me, and then walked the rest of his driveway to his house. Once again, I was shocked because I had been half joking in my response when he asked me if I saw someone I liked.
We hung out a few times after that. One night, he was having a rough night, and decided that, after talking to someone at the bar, he was going to join the military in hopes he wouldn't come back alive. After falling in love with him, I was concerned. He didn't want to go home that night, so I called our mutual friend if it was okay for us to come over and spend the night. We went and talked for a while before going inside. I confirmed my feelings for him and that what he was saying concerned me because I feared losing him like that. He kissed me said he loved me too and then we went in to our friends place. We fell asleep next to each other. In the morning, we all talked. He was still determined to join the military. I said that as long as he wasn't going for the sole purpose of dying in combat, I would be okay with it. He said that he had nothing to live for and no one who truly cares about him. When our friend asked about me, that I cared about him. He looked at her and told her that he could never be with a "She-male" like me. We stopped hanging out and lost contact. Before I had changed my number, he would still call and try and keep in touch, but I didn't see the point continuing our friendship if he was going to keep leading me on.
While at karaoke, I met an old friend. Not the same guy as the story, but similar effect with the eye contact. We became friends on facebook and he talked about hanging out. Now, I'm just hoping history doesn't repeat itself.
I was introduced to one of my friend's co-workers, back along, and we seemed to hit it off as friends. He was always hanging out at my friend because of their neighbor, whom he eventually started dating and moved in with. Whenever I was over to my friends, he'd stop over and say hi and we'd chat. I used to enjoy our chats because we'd look each other in the eyes, and whenever I looked into his, I always had a good feeling. Him and his girlfriend had extended an invitation to me and a friend of mine to come over for drinks and hang out one night. The girls and I were sipping coffee brandy and he was drinking beer. We had ran out of brandy so the girls and I went to the store to pick up another bottle. As we were about to exit we noticed the gumball machines with novelty toys and assorted candies, one of which contained miniature glow sticks. we all had a few quarters and got one for ourselves and then went back to the apartment. When we got back, he had the radio going and was listening to classic rock. His girlfriend told him we had gotten the mini glow sticks and said that if he wanted one he was gonna have to get it from us, we had put them in our mouths, like tooth picks. He glanced over at me and said, "Just this once" and took the glow stick from my mouth with his. I, in turn took my friend's glow stick from her in the same fashion and that started the glow stick swap. Once one had their glow stick taken they got another from a person of their choice.
I'm not sure if his beer had mixed with his curiosity or if the game we were playing was the excuse he needed, but either way, he had started going after the glow stick that was in my mouth more, each time letting his mouth get closer and closer to mine. Then, he decided to do a double swap, our mouths definitely touch to the point of almost kissing. Over the course of the evening the glows sticks started disappearing. I was in the middle of a conversation with his girlfriend when suddenly he approached us, grabbed me, and kissed me. I was shocked. Eventually, she dumped him after her ex came back.
A while after, I met up with him again and we started hanging out together as friends. One night we went to the pool hall and shot some pool. He wanted to go out somewhere to get a drink, so we stopped a bar along the way. He noticed that I was looking at someone in the crowd and said "See someone you like." I muttered a response about how I had but they haven't admitted it yet. He looked at me and said we'd talk more in the car, and changed subject. On the ride home, I got nervous thinking I had offended him by my comment since he wouldn't talk to me about what happened in the bar. It wasn't until we arrived at the drive to his house that he turned down the radio and began to talk to me straight faced. "What you said in the bar.....your right. I don't know why but I'm falling in love with you. I'm just wondering how I'm going to tell my parents." Before getting out of the car, he kissed me, and then walked the rest of his driveway to his house. Once again, I was shocked because I had been half joking in my response when he asked me if I saw someone I liked.
We hung out a few times after that. One night, he was having a rough night, and decided that, after talking to someone at the bar, he was going to join the military in hopes he wouldn't come back alive. After falling in love with him, I was concerned. He didn't want to go home that night, so I called our mutual friend if it was okay for us to come over and spend the night. We went and talked for a while before going inside. I confirmed my feelings for him and that what he was saying concerned me because I feared losing him like that. He kissed me said he loved me too and then we went in to our friends place. We fell asleep next to each other. In the morning, we all talked. He was still determined to join the military. I said that as long as he wasn't going for the sole purpose of dying in combat, I would be okay with it. He said that he had nothing to live for and no one who truly cares about him. When our friend asked about me, that I cared about him. He looked at her and told her that he could never be with a "She-male" like me. We stopped hanging out and lost contact. Before I had changed my number, he would still call and try and keep in touch, but I didn't see the point continuing our friendship if he was going to keep leading me on.
While at karaoke, I met an old friend. Not the same guy as the story, but similar effect with the eye contact. We became friends on facebook and he talked about hanging out. Now, I'm just hoping history doesn't repeat itself.
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