No matter how hard I try, you will always own a piece of my life. When I finally fully fell in love, it was with you. To this day I still have bi-polar feelings for you. First I love you, then I hate, next I'll miss you, only to want to feel physical pain like I felt after you left. I feel like I know all I could ever know about you, yet you are still so much of a mystery.
We started out as friends. You were consistant on calling me when my dad was in the hospital, you were there for me when I didn't really have enough of a support system to help me. I was there for you when you had your own personal issues going on. Were were close, long-distant friends. As friends tend to do, we grew apart and went our own ways and continued our life. Then you would re-enter it. First you found me on myspace, then got up the never to text me.
I think over time we started falling for each other. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that is what I felt. I know I began falling in love with you for who you were or who you were pretending to be. I don't know, I've gone over everything in my head over and over, many times, trying to figure out what, when, and where in our relationship went wrong and possible fixes. I guess that isn't a question I can answer alone and probably for the best to let it be.
I'm still lost when it comes to you. There is still a part of me that is yours and nothing is going to change that. I guess it's what happens when you really fall in love with someone, you lose a piece of you that you can never really get back, it goes on and travels with them. Even though I may be dead to you, you still have that invisible piece that will always be there.
Please, don't mistake me with what I've said above, that doesn't mean that if you fall down on your luck and need someone to care for you and make you feel wanted and loved, you won't find that here. As much as there will always be a piece of me that is yours that will love you no matter what, it's not what will control my actions. As much as I may still care deep down, I also remember the hurt that I went through. Not only that, but as much as I've moved on, nothing mends over night. No matter how long you are away. Showing up after a few years won't change things. It would take me a while of you being around for me to eventually trust you again. That tends to be something you can't seem to keep, anyone's trust.
It's been a long and hard road. I've stopped hating you for what happened...and I've stopped hating myself for it also. Like I said, there are several theories in my mind of what exactly happened. I'm not sure which one is the real theory of if it's just a bit of all of them that I've never thought about, but it's no use dwelling over it. What happened, happened. It's in the past and that's all that matters at this point. I've learned from it. I don't think that there has been anyone in my life that has captivated me quite like you. If anything, thank you for being the one who, at least, helped me experience falling in love and also experience true heartbreak. ~Dave
Back story: I met Marcus back when I was working at McDonald's. At the time he was in a committed relationship but enjoyed talking to me as friends. There was never any indication that he was ever interested in me as more than a friend. We took time, got to know each other via e-mails and chatting on instant messengers like Yahoo and AIM. We became really good friends even though we had never met in person, nor did we ever plan to meet. I don't remember exactly, however I think we had decided that if we were to ever meet it would be fate that would bring us together.
As time went on and we continued our friendship we eventually decided that talking over the phone wasn't a bad idea. In May, I went with my folks down to Boston when my father had neurosurgery. He called me every day that week making sure everything was okay, getting updates on how I was doing as well as how my dad was doing. That is when I started falling for him. Shortly after the family and I got back from Boston, I stopped hearing from him. No calls, no letters, no IM's or texts. I figured that he was busy or something was going on, since my attempts seemed to fail also.
Almost two years later, he called me out of the blue and introduced me to his new fiance, whom I had known long before I had met Marcus. He started talking to me again being the friend that I had way back. He seemed happy but unhappy at the same time. I was happy for him and, admittedly, slightly jealous of his fiance.
One night while I was working at the hotel, he called me. He was upset and needing of a place to stay that night. I was staying at the hotel that night because there were warnings of a possible snow storm during the late evening and all through the night. He came and stayed with me that night. It was going to be our first time meeting. I was a little nervous and a little excited. After meeting him, I started falling for him even more. I found out that he had went back to jail a few days later for driving with a suspended license. I wouldn't hear anything more from him for a year and a few months.
By the time I heard from him next, I had already changed my phone and phone number, I was getting ready to leave the hotel, and was in the process of looking for a job to replace it. on a whim I went back to myspace after having abandoned it. I saw messages from him. I replied and we reconnected. We got together and started hanging out. He ended up meeting a few of my friends and they helped play match maker.
Things went from bad to worse, he eventually turned cold to me, not wanting anything to do with me, then leaving me for someone else. From what I've heard, he's in Arizona now. I didn't feel like going into detail about the end of our relationship, but believe me, it was a pretty rough end. It took me two years to fully heal. Thankfully now, I've forgiven the heart break but will always remember it, so that I can try and prevent it from happening to me again.
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