Reflections from a sort of Pheonix

May 18th, 2018 1:14am

so far a year or so may have gone by, and I am writing this from the porch of the Cabin 3 at Cobbosse Cottages. over a week ago the house we were staying at had a fire that created enough heat damage to deem the place a total loss. we have been here for at least a week and today, less than 12 hours from now, I will be signing the lease to our new apartment. Mark and I's belongings survived the fire, now we need to get them. One bed, One chair, two dressers, a TV stand and several boxes left packed up since the last move are what we have left.

I cant sleep. I've tried. no use. I worry about being able to get our things which may be in a couple days. A couple days with out a bed, chairs, dressers, and stands.I long for normalcy. I want to not worry. but for now I will have to push back my worries and fears and attempt to rest.

I looked up Huntsville, Alabama and wished we had moved sooner. I'm a survivor, but when hope is of limited supply and when things happen to give hope, you cherish them. I am grateful for our friends and family, I just wish some of them were here right now. The ones I least expected I would hope for are the ones several miles away. My family is nearby, but can't always help.

I suppose I should try and get some sleep. my alarms come early. So for now, I will empty my thoughts and focus on sleep. Maybe an idea or guidance shall pay me a visit.  -Moony

Long Time, No See!

4So, my last post was back in July of 2013 and was more of a rant than an information post about my life. Not to worry, this post won't follow suit. Since this is now August of 2016, it is definitely in need of an update as to all the goings on. (That is if I can remember everything. Ha ha ha) In previous posts I had mentioned my lack of a good memory.

My last post was about a one night affair back in 2012. Since then, work started to go down hill. From an issue of discrimination against me and whistle blowers retaliation when I tried to mention something about it to management. At the turn of the year, I moved out of my folks house and in with friends. A month later, I left my job at the travel plaza as things got progressively worse and working only two nights a week for less than 3 or 4 hours a shift. I was without work for a few months but eventually started working again at Best Buy. It was/is one of the best jobs I have ever had. I use was/is because I was a seasonal employee that was let go after the holiday and was eventually re-hired after an opening appeared.

When it comes to love, I was in no short supply. I dated a man named Zach who was very musical and sweet. We had two times in which we had been together over the course of the year before I started working at Best Buy, but ultimately decided we enjoyed each other more so as friends than as lovers. A mutual separation that worked well for both of us.

During pride of 2013, I met a lovely couple of Becky and Aaron. I had been friends with Becky for a long time on facebook, but never met until then. We made plans and they swept me away for a lovely weekend.

After starting work at Best Buy (as seasonal) and with no current relationship, I started dating a co-worker. This is also a first for me. I've never dated a co-worker before. The closest to dating a co-worker was with Eric, however we were in different stores in different towns. Mark (Best Buy co-worker) worked with me at the same location, we saw each other almost every day, and I was a little nervous about dating at first but something told me it would be ok.

November 5th, 2013 we made it official that we would be exclusive. December, 21st I moved in with him and a few Best buy co-workers. That would get interesting as some of the other Best Buy associates that live there would move out to be replaced with some rather sketchy folks. a couple of them were okay, but the house once nicknamed "the Best Buy house" soon became the "party house" including a lot of drug use by the other tenants (mostly Marijuana).

January 18th, 2014 I would be my last day at Best Buy as a seasonal employee. I was put on the chopping block for termination by corporate over a lady who worked, and went to school to work in the hospital, full time. The GM tried everything he could to reverse the termination, however corporate had it's way. At the same time, Mark was leaving for a week to go to Alabama to attend his great grandfather's funeral. I was devastated and lost knowing that i was once again jobless, and he wasn't going to be around if i needed to talk. I started getting depressed and every now and then, Mandi one of our Best Buy co-workers and roommates would check on me to make sure I was ok.

Mark would eventually return and I started getting back into Theater. I was in a dinner theater show with my Cousin at the Elks Lodge. It was a lot of fun and I really enjoyed it, plus made a few friends and got invited to do their Rock and Roll show where I debuted Danessa Jade to an unsuspecting Gardiner Audience to rave review and a few stunned folks who just loved my performances. Oh, boy! was I thrilled.

August of 2014, Mark asked me to marry him and I said yes. Not long after, I would be re-hired as part-time for Best Buy. Things began to look up. 

As stated above, people would leave our apartment only to be replaced by sketchier people. Even a once great friendship between Mark and one of our roommates would start to fade away, his eyes would open and see what I was already seeing. His friend, our roommate, and former co-worker was slowly going down a path that neither of us liked, but we could do nothing about it. We looked for different apartments and eventually found one in Vassalboro, about 30 minutes from work.

November 15th, 2014 we would move in and leave the Best Buy house void of any Best Buy associates. We would later discover that our previous apartment, the Best Buy house, would be searched for drugs by police, and all tenants in the apartment would be evicted in January 2015. we made it out only a couple months prior by sheer dumb luck.

We would have our own issues with the new apartment as well, but not of that scale. Early December we would have a flood (basement apartment) that we have us staying at Mark's Grandparents for about a week or two for them to clean and fix the damage. After the flood, the apartment was never the same. an unnoticed problem continued to rear it's head, leaking from the pipes above us that would cause the ceiling to leak, scary at first but now, since "we can't locate where it's coming from" is all we got from the maintenance team of the property managers, we are almost used to it's occurance. heavy rain also seeps in from somewhere on the outer wall in our kitchen/bathroom area causing the kitchen to be flooded during heavybrain storms. The maintenance team has no ears to listen to issues about what's going on. "We can't find where it's coming from" is a common theme of excuses that we are given. We chose to live with it because no matter how many times we report the issues we are given nothing but excuses. I will say, the financial team of the property management company has been spectacular, their major flaw is their Maintenance team, which the head maintenence person is lazy and hires lazy employees. This is also the apartment from which I am writing this post, still here after almost 2 years, but not for long, we are looking to move in the near future.

The apartment issues has about as much to do with us moving as it does that the location of where we are is a bit further out of town than I really wanted to be. Especially, where I wasn't driving and no longer had a car. Stores for household needs were walking distance away when living at Best Buy house since it was one street over from the commercial side of town. Here, you have to drive at least 10 or 15 minutes before you even get to the closest gas station. That would be at least an hour or two or more walking for me. After quite a few leaks and kitchen floods, I broke down. I was not happy here and made it known about all I was unhappy about, the maintence crew, the flooding and leaking, the fact that we are so far away from everything including work; I was an unhappy diva. A month later Mark had a similar breakdown and listed almost everything I had mentioned, mostly the apartment water issues, and I looked at him and simply stated "welcome to my perspective".

Don't get me wrong, I love the apartment but I hate the issues and the location. it's unfortunate that I can't just uproot this section and take it with us. Ha ha ha. I'm sure the problems would also follow us as well. It has potential as long as the right Maintenence crew, Property Management company, and owner work together to fix. I can tell you, that it needs a lot of work and it would take moving the tennants in our apartment  as well as the ones above us to be out of an apartment for some time to find and fix all the issues. I honestly don't forsee that happening, but I could be wrong. I hope for the absolute best all around though.

Well, I think I have gotten this blog up to speed and I know this has been lengthy post read as well. I just couldn't give up on this blog. It was a passion project for a while, and I am bad at keeping up to date on a lot of things. I want to start writing again and what a better way to do so than to revist old works of progress such as this. Now my promise: I promise that I shall always return to this diary, even after 2 or 3 years, like in this case, I will still return and post something.

Until next post, hopefully sooner than 3 years from now, 
          ~David

Point of view and Pet Peeves

I saw this post on Craig's :List and felt the need to respond. First and foremost to the writer, I'm sincerely sorry that your husband has been cheating on you and you found out about it. Yes, you have a right to be angry and upset. He lied to you and/or neglected to tell you that he is actually bi-sexual or bi-curious and wants to suck another guys cock. I'm sorry that you are deeply hurt and upset by this.

Now that I got my apologies and condolences out, I'm going to break down be very blunt and honest, state MY opinion, and welcome any feedback. Keep in my that this is solely the OPINION of ONE person and I am NOT stating it as FACT. So here we go:

This is in the Men seeking Men section, primarily gay men post/view posts here....PRIMARILY GAY MEN are the key words here. Some anger infused wife posts this saying that "All of you should have your cocks chopped off..."  Congratulations, Mrs. X, you've just threatened all the gay men who read this in your FIRST SENTENCE.
You appear to blame the men who post on here, Like it's THEIR fault you husband is infatuated by these posts. You call us "Sick" and "Nasty".  DO YOU REALIZE YOUR DISCRIMINATING. your husband cheated on you. YES, I'd be pissed off too, but honey, I'm not gonna go around calling women Sick and Nasty for some of the things THEY post in their section.
"Mine will find out soon enough that I know the truth and he will be regretting his every move afterword" ...Now, obviously, I don't know the entire story of the daily life of you and your husband, but it seems to me like it was something you needed to talk about, and if it wasn't on the table for discussion, then I'd say it's about time you find yourself a gay best friend and get educated, because this letter made you sound like you were an uptight, Bible thumping, Westboro Baptist wannabe. Take your anger and frustration out on your husband, NOT US!

Once again, This is my OPINION. I am not stating this as fact. and OH YES, this woman is being reported.

Self-Discoveries Happen When You Least Expect Them (...Much Like Love)

     The plan was that I was going to spend the afternoon and stay over at a guy friend's house. There was nothing really planned other than I was gonna spend time with them for their weekend off. We spent the day together going from friend's housewarming, to dinner with his folks, back to housewarming, and then the club. Once it was near closing time, we went to Denny's and then to his place for the night. We watched Batman Forever and our topic of conversation may have made a turn for the raunchy side. I will admit, I had an attraction to him. he had a lot of the personality qualities that I admired and he was, to me, easy on the eyes.

     As one may guess, the conversation took a turn from playful banter to a little more seductive. I was given the expressed warning that "if I start something, I had to finish it" and that is exactly what happened. He was gentle and showed me that I can enjoy being a bottom as long as the other partner knows what they are doing. I would be lying if I said that I didn't grow a little more attached to him after that. Most of all, afterward, he was still sweet and gentle, and made me feel like a human being with feelings rather than "just a fuck" like I had previously experienced before with a one night encounter.

     After mentioning the great time I had had to a couple of close friends, an inside joke had started that I think got a little too carried away, and may have been the downfall to there ever being a future between us, well, any chance of a romantic relationship at least. However I did learn a lot from him and not just about the physical aspect of intimacy, but also in what I want and/or need in a life partner. For that I will forever be grateful to him.


    Update (as of 8/22/16): The gentleman in this post is currently in a relationship and happily married. We are still friends even though we don't chat or hang out as much as we used to, we are still connected on social media and I am always happy to hear of any good news that comes his way, including (and he actually mentioned it to me in a message) his relationship and eventual marriage. I am thoroughly happy for him and wish him and his husband the absolute best.

Facebook and Photographs

These past few weeks have been quite eventful and busy. I went to my "adoptive parents" 50th wedding anniversary party. For those wondering, no, I'm not adopted they sort of became a second set of parents to me when I was growing up and living in Gardiner, Maine.
I went to Pemaquid Point with both sets of parents. I took many photos and got a nice sun burn/tan. It's more of a tan than a burn, since it really never hurt.
I also went on a date to Fort Williams. It was very peaceful and a gorgeous area.

Today, I was lectured about putting the pictures that both mom and I took in my photo album on Facebook. "It looks like you took all the pictures and we have to go to your page and your albums to see them."

I don't know what it is about Facebook, and photographs, but it seems to cause a LOT of drama. People don't want other people "Sharing" their photos, I'm in the dog house for adding both sets of photos from mom and I's camera in my photo album.
When we went and took the pictures at Pemaquid Point, I had just gotten out of work and was asked to go. I'm glad I did because I had a good time. After we got home, I put the pictures that I took in the photo album on my profile and stated that after, I was gonna go to bed since I had to work that night as well. Well, as soon as they showed up on my page I was asked to put the others on. I stated that I was tired and planned on getting some rest before work, I was told that it wouldn't take me long and to do it. To make things simple and easier for me, I posted them under my account on the same album to save time and not have to to fuddle around with the separate computers or logging on and off of Facebook.

I'm just fed up with the drama when it comes to photos on Facebook. Who fucking cares who took what photo, and all the "oh those are my photos, I'm now not okay with you having them on your Facebook page", and all that bullshit. Who fucking cares.
Firstly, if you don't want your photos shared and what not, CHANGE THE PRIVACY SETTINGS! if you have it set to only YOUR FRIENDS, then ONLY YOUR FRIENDS will see them. A message will appear stating that "you can not view this photo because you are not friends with the person who posted it" will pop up. PROBLEM SOLVED.
As far as the last one, I added the photos on their account in their own album, All the photos because they wanted ALL of the photos....and then made it clear that "I"m not posting any more God-damned photos on my profile because people tend to get touchy about pictures and photos on Facebook."  Now, run that through your teeth.

I Just Can't Stop Listening!

I've discovered Podcasts..... I'm in a seventh heaven right now, listening to a LOT of Dan Savage and the Savage Love Podcast. I can't seem to get enough of it and each half hour, or more, segment seems to slip by very fast. I've listened to other Podcasts that are just as long, maybe a little longer, but all have DRAGGED!!!! Either they dragged or I just can't seem to get into them like Dan's. I sort of wish I could start my own, but I'm not sure on what I'd talk about. One idea was using Danessa and creating a "School of Drag" Podcast, however, I think that one will probably have to wait until I know what I'm doing or decide to want to look into it further at all. Another idea, the one that prompted me to take interest in starting a Podcast, was a Music Theory podcast since there are none, if any.
I did a search for Podcasting "How-to's" and discovered that Blogger, this site that my blog that your reading at this very moment is on, also allows for Podcasts via the RSS feed. All of this is something I would love to learn more about. I do know that I can create a podcast and upload it into a post on here, too. OR I can use PodOmatic, a website designed for creating and sharing podcasts. The more I think about it, the more I want to learn about this and how it works and how to create it and everything in the creation side. I feel it would be fun, Fun, FUN! Ha ha ha.

On a more personal level, I've been talking to a guy in Rochester, NH. So far he seems amazing. We have lots in common, and some things that are not but keep us unique. He's been through similar to what I've been through over the years in the dating scene. He seems to be just about everything that I want/need/looking for.  We are already talking about meeting up, possibly first date. I'm a little leery of this because we haven't really been talking that long, and I know some say to meet up after the second message, but I feel like I want to take things super gradual. Not just because I'm scared of what could/could not happen, but I don't have a lot of flexibility at this time to devote to trips to New Hampshire. I'm sure they will be required after a while. I would like to move to New Hampshire, however, I won't be able to for a long while, and I don't feel he should have to uproot to be with me. So far, we're just talking, nothing set in stone. I really like him. I'm just not sure if he'd be okay with wanting to take things really slow, start out just as friends. :-S

UPDATES:

Birthday Ditcher: SO, the person that ditched me on my birthday feels bad about what happened, he was "drunk". I get it, I understand it. Does that make what happened right? No. Am I willing to forgive? Hell yes. I suppose I should contact them soon to let them know that I'm no longer unsafe to message, now that I've cooled off.

The Guy with the Eyes:  So far, I haven't seen or met up with the guy with the eyes that made me have visions of an old friend and crush. The most for contact that they have sent me is game requests on facebook and that's about it. I'm not entirely sure if they even remember talking to me that night. Anyway, I need to stay away from him in order to keep myself out of trouble.

What is wrong with ME??

Birthdays can be fun. They can also be horrible on occasion. Sometimes, just when you think everything is going well, it takes a sharp turn for the worst. That was kinda how my birthday was. The day went by pretty well, and I invited a special friend to go out with me to the bar and hang out shoot some pool and with intentions of hopefully fulfilling some desires that both of us had. He called me and said he would go but couldn't stay out long because he had an event he had to go to in the morning, but definitely wanted to go out. I went and picked him up and we went down to the bar.
We kept exchanging seductively, flirty suggestions through out the night and I thought that everything was going good. A few acquaintances joined us while playing pool and I started noticing that his attention had focused to the other guy. Then the not so subtle flirting. At the end of the night, he hopped in their cab leaving me alone stating "I'm going with them."

At this point, I have a good idea of what POSSIBLY happened. I don't want to know if any of it actually happened or not, I really don't. I don't care. I just want to know what is wrong with ME??? Why is it that someone is interested, then another guy comes along and suddenly I'm no longer what they want, it's the other person. What's wrong with ME??? I'm a decent guy, I have my faults, my quirks....but when establishing a possible fuck buddy or one time fling doesn't happen even though they've been "wanting to fuck me for quite some time" and turns into "oh, I'm going home with someone else" .....It leaves me wondering what really is so wrong with me? Maybe he thinks that because he's able to get a hold of me easier, it's ok to ditch me for someone he may not see again. I don't know.
The whole situation and everything that happened has been replaying over and over in my head and I can't quite figure out what exactly am I doing wrong. I try for a relationship....that doesn't seem to work because of complications of either, distance, preferred position (top, bottom, etc.), or the classic "found someone better".
I'm confused and a little hurt, forget the fact that it was my birthday. Yay, I got dissed and dismissed on my birthday. .......I feel like the more I try, the less I try, it makes no difference. I actually feel bad for the guys who get to know me and end up falling for me when it's not mutual. I really, really, do. I know how it feels. It can be confusing, frustrating, and depressing. Yes, I've been there on many occasion. I always try to at least give the person a chance, see if there might be a connection, however, that tends to end up seeming like I'm being misleading.

I'm at a loss, I'm not sure how to feel or how to react. Part of me is frustrated and upset about what happened, but there is also the other part of me that thinks that there isn't really anything to get too upset about, I'm over thinking things, and that there is ample time and opportunity for us to follow through with what we were planning. In the mean time, I'm not gonna make any rash decisions and/or actions. Let it flow for now. But still, there is always the lingering question....What's wrong with ME? Why am I always the one trying to win and keep another's attention. How come I'm not good enough?

If "Happy Ever After" Did Exist...

I have fallen in love a few times before. I've had my heart broken a few times as well. The feeling kinda scares me, the feeling of letting yourself be vulnerable and letting someone have full access to your heart. Recently I had something disturb me. I looked into someone's eyes and felt vulnerable in the "fall in love" sort of way. Obviously, I don't know them well enough to be falling in love, however, it did remind me of a time when this sort of thing happened before and I did.
I was introduced to one of my friend's co-workers, back along, and we seemed to hit it off as friends. He was always hanging out at my friend because of their neighbor, whom he eventually started dating and moved in with. Whenever I was over to my friends, he'd stop over and say hi and we'd chat. I used to enjoy our chats because we'd look each other in the eyes, and whenever I looked into his, I always had a good feeling. Him and his girlfriend had extended an invitation to me and a friend of mine to come over for drinks and hang out one night. The girls and I were sipping coffee brandy and he was drinking beer. We had ran out of brandy so the girls and I went to the store to pick up another bottle. As we were about to exit we noticed the gumball machines with novelty toys and assorted candies, one of which contained miniature glow sticks. we all had a few quarters and got one for ourselves and then went back to the apartment. When we got back, he had the radio going and was listening to classic rock. His girlfriend told him we had gotten the mini glow sticks and said that if he wanted one he was gonna have to get it from us, we had put them in our mouths, like tooth picks. He glanced over at me and said, "Just this once" and took the glow stick from my mouth with his. I, in turn took my friend's glow stick from her in the same fashion and that started the glow stick swap. Once one had their glow stick taken they got another from a person of their choice.
I'm not sure if his beer had mixed with his curiosity or if the game we were playing was the excuse he needed, but either way, he had started going after the glow stick that was in my mouth more, each time letting his mouth get closer and closer to mine. Then, he decided to do a double swap, our mouths definitely touch to the point of almost kissing. Over the course of the evening the glows sticks started disappearing. I was in the middle of a conversation with his girlfriend when suddenly he approached us, grabbed me, and kissed me. I was shocked. Eventually, she dumped him after her ex came back.
A while after, I met up with him again and we started hanging out together as friends. One night we went to the pool hall and shot some pool. He wanted to go out somewhere to get a drink, so we stopped a bar along the way. He noticed that I was looking at someone in the crowd and said "See someone you like."  I muttered a response about how I had but they haven't admitted it yet. He looked at me and said we'd talk more in the car, and changed subject. On the ride home, I got nervous thinking I had offended him by my comment since he wouldn't talk to me about what happened in the bar. It wasn't until we arrived at the drive to his house that he turned down the radio and began to talk to me straight faced. "What you said in the bar.....your right. I don't know why but I'm falling in love with you. I'm just wondering how I'm going to tell my parents." Before getting out of the car, he kissed me, and then walked the rest of his driveway to his house. Once again, I was shocked because I had been half joking in my response when he asked me if I saw someone I liked.
We hung out a few times after that. One night, he was having a rough night, and decided that, after talking to someone at the bar, he was going to join the military in hopes he wouldn't come back alive. After falling in love with him, I was concerned. He didn't want to go home that night, so I called our mutual friend if it was okay for us to come over and spend the night. We went and talked for a while before going inside. I confirmed my feelings for him and that what he was saying concerned me because I feared losing him like that. He kissed me said he loved me too and then we went in to our friends place. We fell asleep next to each other. In the morning, we all talked. He was still determined to join the military. I said that as long as he wasn't going for the sole purpose of dying in combat, I would be okay with it. He said that he had nothing to live for and no one who truly cares about him. When our friend asked about me, that I cared about him. He looked at her and told her that he could never be with a "She-male" like me. We stopped hanging out and lost contact. Before I had changed my number, he would still call and try and keep in touch, but I didn't see the point continuing our friendship if he was going to keep leading me on.

While at karaoke, I met an old friend. Not the same guy as the story, but similar effect with the eye contact. We became friends on facebook and he talked about hanging out. Now, I'm just hoping history doesn't repeat itself.

I Guess I Shouldn't Be So Surprised...

I suppose it shouldn't be any surprise to me that society seems to be CLEARLY more messed up than I thought. I guess the names of the boys who harassed Karen Klein have been released, and NOW, it's them and THEIR families that are being harassed. I'm sure there are quite a few people out there who are like "Yeah, time to give them a taste of their own medicine!" Honestly, what is that gonna solve? It's just gonna prove to them that what they did was okay because that's how we handle things and it makes it okay. Currently, people ARE harassing their families and I feel that is down right despicable! TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT, FOLKS!!!! I'm APPALLED by this particular reaction. The families have been on the receiving end of death threats. In one incident, the police was told that one family was being held hostage, only to find that the family was home safe and sound.

So, I guess, we are a vengeful nation when an adult gets bullied by a child, but when it comes to children bullying other children, we look at the bullying as "character building." Today's society sickens and scares me. If this is our first instinct to react towards the bullies families this way, then we have a LOT to learn from our ancestors. Bullies are not born, they are taught and made. I don't think it's just at home, but I think a lot of what society does as well. One of the kids says he was thinking of Tosh.0 when he was insulting Mrs. Klein. I admit, I do enjoy watching Tosh.0 but I do find that the segment in which he has 15 seconds to make as many jokes about a picture can be a bit crude at a times. The kids need to be taught that they shouldn't copy what happens on TV. I also feel that Parents should be mindful of what they watch around their kids and, at least, explain to them that although it may be funny, it's rude, impolite, and wrong to be mean to people.

I think I've had my fill ranting for today. Comment and let me know what you think on here and on Facebook. and Please, check out Ron Kemp's Blog Enough is Enough.

...One For The Road.

So, this will be my last post for today, I wanted to help raise awareness to Teen Suicides and bullying. I recently discovered a blog by someone who is trying to not only raise awareness, but also help stop the bullying. Ron Kemp and his blog, Enough is Enough, inspired me to write about being bullied in school. I have tried to put all of that in the past and behind me, almost to the point of erasing it from my memory. I remember times when I was so depressed, I thought of ending my life. It was my close friends who cared about me enough to raise awareness to teachers and other friends who cared about me and helped me see that killing myself wasn't the solution, and that it would cause more harm than good. Please, check out his blog (link at the bottom of this post) and help him and myself raise awareness and lets put an end to teen suicide. It doesn't matter who you are or what you are, bullying is wrong and it needs to stop.
                                                                          Thank you. ~Dave




Ron Kemp's Enough Is Enough

Dave's Confessional: #1

     I've never been much of a blogger, vlogger, or anything that had to do with keeping anytime of electronic journal in cyberspace. I've had blogs before with maybe a few post here and there, but mostly about nothing in particular. I've never really had a special "skill" just a love for writing. Needless to say, most of those blogs, vlogs, whatever failed. This blog has been a semi-decent one. I've managed to write posts, have people who read them, if only for maybe one or two view on a few. I had at least 28 on my post about bullying and opening up about being bullied and my hopes for everyone....most likely, those hopes are in vain. I could have just stopped blogging and let it rest, however, I don't post daily, maybe once or twice within a week period. That fact in itself is fairly odd, since all journals I've kept have failed.
     They would start out with "Oh, I have the perfect blog recipe. I'll write about something I like. Then I'll wait a week and make another post." only that never happened, I'd make a post and then  next week would roll around, I'd make another post, etc. Eventually, I would forget a week and try and backtrack and make up for it in the next post....if there ever was one. I may pick up the blog a month or so later and by that time, my interest in whatever it was originally about had lost it's peak. I figured with this one, it was about me, my life, and whatever I wanted to fucking post at any given moment. I could literally write about ANYTHING my heart desired and it would be ok. I could post as many times as I want to no matter when. I tried a daily journal, pen and paper, and kept up with it daily....but eventually missed days and had to recap. That in itself is bad for me because my memory isn't all that great. (I've been trying to exorcise it and keep myself sharp by mixing up Crosswords, Wordfinds, and anagrams. so far, I believe it's working. hopefully. I need more brain games Ha ha ha. Anyway. I wanted to take a brief moment to kinda pat myself on the back for keeping with this blog for as long as I have and updating it as well as I have. You have no idea how easy it is for me to overlook posting on my blogs. I also wanted to thank those who have viewed my posts. I appreciate all the support and views. I'm not looking to "make it big", this is just a place for me to vent and share personal thoughts on a cybertronic blank canvas. Thank you. ~Dave

...Still Got My Health, So Why Do I Care?

     I used to be a smoker. Emphasis on the word "used." Over the last few months after running into a rough patch, smoking was one thing that I gave up. not only because I couldn't afford it, but also because there is nothing I despise more than asking someone for a cigarette. I always feel awkward and guilty, and since they are so expensive to begin with, I feel like they are supporting my habit as well as their own.
     If there is one place the would help me curb my smoking habit, it would be home. I never smoked in the house and would rarely smoke outside the house. If I were to smoke, It would be out at a club, at work, or over to a friend's house. I've managed to average one cigarette a week. That's amazing considering that when I had money and could purchase my own packs, I was smoking at least a pack a week. So figuring one pack per week to one cigarette per week, is quite the accomplishment. oh and I haven't killed anyone. Ha ha ha.
     Being home has been the greatest help in quitting smoking, not being able to go anywhere, that is. Also, there is the fact of not having the money to do anything with as well. After hour cuts and the addition of breaks, equaling more hours cut, my pay has decreased. Looking for other work is a joke. There are others out there who don't have a single job, not being able to find work, let alone, myself who has one looking for another. In a way, I feel like I'm cheating those who are really trying hard to find work whilst trying to make it by, myself. These past few months are going by a little too fast and I'm trying to make due. The one day at a time isn't really working, but when you have no money to do anything, and trying to figure out how the hell to get back on your feet.......it's rough. I have my computer and I look for work. other than that, it is also a great distraction for when I get depressed, nervous, and scared.
     Anyway, my cell, which was temporarily out of service, is still out of service. First comes my car then all other things. HOW MUCH MORE CAN I CUT FROM MY BUDGET!!!!!! I'm down to my car payment, that's it. My folks plan on helping me as soon as July rolls around. but I don't want to wait until then....might as well, since it's almost here already. Ha ha ha. Aside from all the bullshit that people, YES, I SAID PEOPLE, put others through. I'm trying to remain hopeful, calm, and refrain from getting too depressed, because, so far, I still got my health!.

....When You Finally Can't Lie Anymore.

     I think I brainwashed myself into not remembering all the negative that happened while I was growing up. I was always a chunky kid growing up, I wasn't into sports, and felt more at home on the stage singing. As a very young child, I remember noticing both genders. As the years progressed, I noticed my body would react differently towards males, but never understood why. At that age, between the ages of 7-10, I had no idea what it was to be Gay. I didn't really play with toy cars, I proffered dolls or "action figures" to tossing a ball around, even if my dad was around more to do so. My Father worked nights, so, I understand the reason for him not being available for that. More so now since I work overnights myself. All I knew was that I was a kid, doing what kids do, play and learn.

     As I got older, there was the introduction of "boyfriends" and "girlfriends" where boys and girls held hands, shared their stuff. It was considered a big deal if one or the other pecked the other on the cheek. In middle school was when I really started to notice my attraction to males. I went to GRMS for my 6th grade year. During that year I tried to keep the front that I was sort of normal. I had crushes on a couple girls that were on my class wing. But I often secretly wondered about a few of the guys. J.H. was kinda dorky but adorable at the same time. R.M. was a typical Jock type and one I often found myself thinking about more often than not. Spring of 2000, My family and I moved to the next town over and would start going to that school instead. During the summer I went off to camp. 

     The church my parents and I went to would send kids to a christian camp every summer. One day, during my first summer there, one of the guys in the cabin I was in came over and talked to me. It was really hot that day and approached me wearing nothing but a long t-shirt. I vaguely remember talking about girls, him asking me about which ones I thought were cute. I have to admit, I had thought he was cute and was really nervous when this happened. I'm not entirely sure of what his name is, I think it was Nick, but that's a guess. Once camp was over, I started my 7th grade year at Hall-Dale Middle. While getting established I happened to become friends with a group of 6 or 7 kids. Among my small group of friends there was one guy whom I would fantasize about. C.H., something attracted me to him like no one else.

     Along with discovering myself, I did have a few bullies. J.C. was one who shoved me in the gym storage closet and held on to the door. after I stopped resisting did he go back and sit down. I was found by the gym teacher who yelled at me for "hiding" in it. I guess he got the class to go along with it. He would also kick my chair in class, seeing as I was assigned to sit in front of him. Another kid, who would follow me to High School, would purposefully bump into me, Randomly pinch my nipples and twist them, and call me different, disrespectful names. Most of it I battled without the help of an adult, sometimes I did go and seek help, however I found that help from the school faculty to be less of help and more of a target setter. The teacher or whoever would talk to the bully who, in turn, would put both situations together and realize that I must have said something and that would warrant more harassing behavior.
     I feel that most kids don't bully as much as they used to in schools only because now days it seems like schools have cameras, on site security, a tighter grip on where each student is at all times. School is almost like an institution or a jail with extremely high security. I've always thought about what if I could go back to high school? Do it all over again.....I would want to go back to the way I knew it, when the bullies could pick on you in school, the internet was a privilege that my parents had to grant me the use of, and I didn't have to worry about cameras or intense security systems. The rate of teen suicides back then was a very small number, or you didn't hear about them that often. If I had to go back in time and do over my high school the way the high school system is now, I would probably, at least, attempt suicide. ALL kids have access to the internet now and, unless the school system doesn't follow each student's facebook feed, bullying gets overlooked.
     I made it, I SURVIVED High School, but there are kids out there who haven't. Be Aware. If there is a kid in school who is being bullied and harassed based on WHATEVER they might be, It's time to take a stand. Be human. If you think that standing up to someone who is being a bully is harmful to your own social status, then you are just as at fault as the bully. You are ALLOWING it to happen. That is just as wrong as committing the act itself. BE HUMAN, show Humanity, or the fate of the human race will end barbarically.



UPDATE: I wanted to extend a much needed credit to the Enough is Enough blog for inspiring this post. I started reading that blog the day I posted this and It woke me up to the fact of how often teens are bullied to the point of ending their lives. Please, help stop the cruelty and be kind to others and teach kindness to others.  And, please, visit the Enough is Enough blog by Ron Kemp. Thank you. ~Dave

In My Life......I Loved You More.

I haven't really come to a final decision, however I've placed the idea of retirement for Miss Danessa Jade on the table of things to consider. Currently I'm on hiatus or a "vacation," if you will. Do I enjoy doing drag? Yes, I do. My thoughts for putting this on the table is the fact that places to perform are a distance away. Currently, my finances are short and I don't have the funds to go to places to perform. My make-up is not the cheapest because it's one of the best out there. I just am not able to afford it, really. I had someone suggest staying on the break until I decide to get back into it. I feel it's a decent idea, I have the feeling that that may be what I end up doing. Waiting until I'm more financially stable and then get back into it. Anyway, that's my thoughts for right now. Will update with my decision. I have one more show planned for this year, and I plan on honoring it. Although, It may end up being my last show for quite a while. ~Dave

Life update

My life has been up and down over the past month or so. I've been a bit busy with work and also with Danessa. I've been trying to clean up my room as much as I can and get it organized. My plan is to eventually move with a friend of mine closer to my performance space. we have to go down and look around for jobs for her. I am hoping to pick up a second job to help with the bills and everything. I have got to get my rear in gear to set up a budget that I can stick to that isn't going to over whelm me completely. I am thinking that once I get the budget established and also get into a second job, things will go smooth. I plan on staying at the travel plaza working overnights and asking for the evening shift at the Cigarete shoppe in Lisbon (as long as I get the position) so that I won't have any overlapping hours. I'm crossing my fingers that this will work out and that I can do better this time than last time.

Danessa has been and is going to be a very busy gurl. This month, I was dolled up for a show and then a week later was dolled up for Mama Savannah Georgia's show. This week I am not dressing up as Danessa, but I will unveil a new persona called Chyna Doll. This will be interesting. May is looking pretty busy. I am in Roxxie's show on the 12th and then a week later I'm in a competition as Danessa. Wish me luck there, for I am not really a pageant girl. June through August looks open for bookings, but will be back in gear for September 15th as I host and put on Danessa Jade's Underground show at Altera Lounge. I am working with a few people to spawn this into a tour. Danessa Jade's Underground Tour to start shortly after September 15th. Another wish me luck. I'm gonna need it. Thanks to all those who have been following me and paying attention to my posts. I love you all. If you haven't done it yet, Like Danessa Jade on Facebook.  I would Greatly appreciate that.  MUAH! ~Dave aka Danessa Jade

Dear Marcus

     No matter how hard I try, you will always own a piece of my life. When I finally fully fell in love, it was with you. To this day I still have bi-polar feelings for you. First I love you, then I hate, next I'll miss you, only to want to feel physical pain like I felt after you left. I feel like I know all I could ever know about you, yet you are still so much of a mystery.
     We started out as friends. You were consistant on calling me when my dad was in the hospital, you were there for me when I didn't really have enough of a support system to help me. I was there for you when you had your own personal issues going on. Were were close, long-distant friends. As friends tend to do, we grew apart and went our own ways and continued our life. Then you would re-enter it. First you found me on myspace, then got up the never to text me.
     I think over time we started falling for each other. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that is what I felt. I know I began falling in love with you for who you were or who you were pretending to be. I don't know, I've gone over everything in my head over and over, many times, trying to figure out what, when, and where in our relationship went wrong and possible fixes. I guess that isn't a question I can answer alone and probably for the best to let it be.
     I'm still lost when it comes to you. There is still a part of me that is yours and nothing is going to change that. I guess it's what happens when you really fall in love with someone, you lose a piece of you that you can never really get back, it goes on and travels with them. Even though I may be dead to you, you still have that invisible piece that will always be there.
     Please, don't mistake me with what I've said above, that doesn't mean that if you fall down on your luck and need someone to care for you and make you feel wanted and loved, you won't find that here. As much as there  will always be a piece of me that is yours that will love you no matter what, it's not what will control my actions. As much as I may still care deep down, I also remember the hurt that I went through. Not only that, but as much as I've moved on, nothing mends over night. No matter how long you are away. Showing up after a few years won't change things. It would take me a while of you being around for me to eventually trust you again. That tends to be something you can't seem to keep, anyone's trust.
    It's been a long and hard road. I've stopped hating you for what happened...and I've stopped hating myself for it also. Like I said, there are several theories in my mind of what exactly happened. I'm not sure which one is the real theory of if it's just a bit of all of them that I've never thought about, but it's no use dwelling over it. What happened, happened. It's in the past and that's all that matters at this point. I've learned from it. I don't think that there has been anyone in my life that has captivated me quite like you. If anything, thank you for being the one who, at least, helped me experience falling in love and also experience true heartbreak. ~Dave


Back story: I met Marcus back when I was working at McDonald's. At the time he was in a committed relationship but enjoyed talking to me as friends. There was never any indication that he was ever interested in me as more than a friend. We took time, got to know each other via e-mails and chatting on instant messengers like Yahoo and AIM. We became really good friends even though we had never met in person, nor did we ever plan to meet. I don't remember exactly, however I think we had decided that if we were to ever meet it would be fate that would bring us together.
     As time went on and we continued our friendship we eventually decided that talking over the phone wasn't a bad idea. In May, I went with my folks down to Boston when my father had neurosurgery. He called me every day that week making sure everything was okay, getting updates on how I was doing as well as how my dad was doing. That is when I started falling for him. Shortly after the family and I got back from Boston, I stopped hearing from him. No calls, no letters, no IM's or texts. I figured that he was busy or something was going on, since my attempts seemed to fail also.
     Almost two years later, he called me out of the blue and introduced me to his new fiance, whom I had known long before I had met Marcus. He started talking to me again being the friend that I had way back. He seemed happy but unhappy at the same time. I was happy for him and, admittedly, slightly jealous of his fiance. 
     One night while I was working at the hotel, he called me. He was upset and needing of a place to stay that night. I was staying at the hotel that night because there were warnings of a possible snow storm during the late evening and all through the night. He came and stayed with me that night. It was going to be our first time meeting. I was a little nervous and a little excited. After meeting him, I started falling for him even more. I found out that he had went back to jail a few days later for driving with a suspended license. I wouldn't hear anything more from him for a year and a few months. 
     By the time I heard from him next, I had already changed my phone and phone number, I was getting ready to leave the hotel, and was in the process of looking for a job to replace it. on a whim I went back to myspace after having abandoned it. I saw messages from him. I replied and we reconnected. We got together and started hanging out. He ended up meeting a few of my friends and they helped play match maker. 
     Things went from bad to worse, he eventually turned cold to me, not wanting anything to do with me, then leaving me for someone else. From what I've heard, he's in Arizona now. I didn't feel like going into detail about the end of our relationship, but believe me, it was a pretty rough end. It took me two years to fully heal. Thankfully now, I've forgiven the heart break but will always remember it, so that I can try and prevent it from happening to me again.

Dear James

When I think of you, country singer Jessie James comes to mind. Her lyrics "I hate myself for losing you" comes to mind. It's true, I definitely lost something really great when we split. I really dislike my youthful self, I made a lot of really stupid mistakes thinking they were the right ones. I left you to go back to an ex of mine who wasn't really worth going back for. Wolves in sheeps clothing blend in among those in the pasture and turn it into a mine field. You are one of the the guys that I truly miss and wish I had treated better.
 As part of my reminiscence, I wonder what would have happened if we had stayed together, would you still have dated me even thought you were going to college? Or would I have been a burden and end up going our separate ways anyway? I guess like a lot of life's mysteries, we can only imagine what would have happened. Just so you know, you were a really good part of my life and I want to thank you for being in it.


Backstory -  James and I met online shortly after my ex, Eric, and I had our second falling out. I got along really well with him and his family. He was really shy at first and I found that extremely adorable. When I first met him, he brought a friend along with him, that friend was a former acquaintance of mine who was also friends with a former boss I had at McDonalds. Turns out he was also James' ex and he had brought him along for security. Little did he know, we had already met. James was very sweet and affectionate. I loved that he was blunt and would speak his mind. However, at the time, I was still facing demons of another kind. Eric and I didn't really have closure and were still talking. Don't jump to the conclusion that Eric and I were still seeing each other, because we weren't. we were trying to make the friend thing work, but Eric still had feelings for me and deep down, I still had feeling for him too that wouldn't really go away.  As wonderful as James was, I really wasn't fully connecting with him at the time. I blame myself for that because when it comes to conversation, I'm not much of a talker. The time James and I shared was always great, however, when your mind wanders and wonders...it's hard to ignore it. I couldn't get past the choice I had to make and James was going off to college soon and I was also unsure about how that would work. In the end, I got a car and wanted my freedom. Possibilities were endless and I was about to embark on a new adventure. No more waiting around for a guy with a car...I could go to them. .....oh well, to be young and naive is to live and to learn...then kick yourself in the ass later, as long as you make it back. 

Dear Eric

     I sort of blame myself for what has become of you. It appears to me that you have become just as jaded as I was after our multi-dysfunctional relationship attempts, or so I've heard on the circuit. We have both been used and abused, not only by others, but by each other. We still kept coming back to each other for one reason or another. I'm not sure if that has anything to do with the fact that we couldn't get on the same page or not. First one would want a relationship when the other did not, then we would switch points of view. I blame that on our communication. You have to agree, our communication was and never really has been spot on. I hope that it doesn't seem like I'm pitting the blame of our failed relationship on you, because I'm not. There were things I could have said or did as well, however, at the same time, it works both ways.
     Maybe, one day, we will manage to get our acts together and become better communicators and want the same thing at the same time and actually be something. I don't see that happening for a long time. I do know that the path we walk together currently isn't one that will bring us total happiness. When I do think about it and decide to come around, in hopes you may want to give us a try, I turn become special to you....only to be dismissed in the morning. If you were to ask me to come over, it better only be for a gathering as friends, and who knows, I may bring friends...because I refuse to let myself be pulled in only to be pushed out. Claims of wanting a family, yet all I see and hear are that you look out for one person when it comes to people you date, yourself. Keep in mind, you have to think of another when your dating too. There are worse things than being just a single Dad. Remember that. Because I faced it before you entered my life.
                                                                 
                                                                             Hoping for the Best,
                                                                                       ~ Dave


Back Story:  I met Eric after I started working at McDonald's in Gardiner. It was sort of fitting because at the time we both worked at the same company (different franchise owners) and similar shifts. Our first attempt was ok. As far as I remember it, we split for a brief period because we didn't know when we would get to see each other again. At the time I didn't have a car and the last weekend during our first attempt, his decided to crap the bed. I miss THAT person, that I had met. since then this arrogant thing took control and he became very egotistical. We got together after a few months of not seeing or hearing from each other. That ended badly in which led most people to believe I was psychotic. 
   [ I have to separate from this story to go farther back. In between my relationship with Damian and Eric, I had met a guy who wanted to be friends. He managed to get my address from a friend and stopped over. I was raped in my own residence. I had been a complete virgin up until that point. What makes this part of the story a scary thing isn't the fact that I was raped, but that the guy was also HIV+. Now, before you start freaking out, I am completely disease free. The one thing that I was blessed with in that scenario was that he had a half decent head on his shoulders not to do anything that would put me at risk. ]
    I went through a flash back when Eric tried to cuddle and fondle in the middle of the night when he stayed over at my friends apartment. The flashback was instantaneous and automatically reverted back to what happened and reacted the same way. I froze. My friend's boyfriend came home from work and he went back to where he was originally. I tried to wake my friend to talk but she was half awake and half asleep. I had a breakdown the next evening after I got out of work.
     Since then, I see him when wants a piece. We've talked about getting back together, but nothing ever comes of it. I guess we had our time and it's all over now. It has now turned into one of those things that even if you got it back, it would never be the same.

Dear Damian,

Dear Damian,
     I know I've sent you messages in the past apologizing for what happened between us. I do wish I had acted better and maturer. I was in the wrong and I'm sorry I hurt you. I ask your forgiveness, even though you have every right not to.
     I would be lying if I said that I don't have moments where I think of you and wonder how you are doing or what would have happened if things happened differently....If I had acted differently. I can't change the past, but I can try to mold a better future. You will always be my first boyfriend and will always have a piece of me.
     If I could ask you for anything, it would be to connect again. I'm not asking for a chance to fix what I had done or go back to what we had, but to wipe the slate clean and become friends. I'm not asking for a second chance at a relationship, but a first chance at a friendship. I never realized how lucky I was until it was way too late. I've grown up a lot since then, but I that doesn't excuse what I did.

                                                                                           In hopes of hearing from you,
                                                                                                         ~ David




Back story:  At this time of my life I was about to finish my last year of high school and I was 19 turning 20 that summer. I was also freshly out of the closet....to my friends, at least. For me to be in a relationship meant I had to tip-toe around the people who didn't know I was gay...and it posed a challenge. I first met Damian through Myspace. We realized we lived really close by and had mutual interests. My best friend at the time lived on the same street as him, so finding a time to meet wasn't an issue. When we met, I found him just as intriguing in person as I had when I saw his profile online. He was very sweet and one of the best boyfriends I could have ever asked for. I had my first partnered kiss in the Gardiner Arcade as we hid from the rain. Every time I pass through it, I remember and smile. It is one of my most treasured memories. We probably could have made it as a pair, if it wasn't for my own fear and stubbornness.
     I had invited Damian to go to my friend Holly's Summer Solstice party with me. He accepted. It was the first time him and I were to spend the night together and it had only been a few weeks since we started dating. I started getting nervous and scared instead of excited and anxious.When the day of the party arrived, I went on defense with a hint of offense. I let my fears take over and I treated Damian like dirt. Late at night in one of the tents, I opened up about how I was feeling. I don't remember everything that was said, but I know that he heard every word. My friends eased my fears, but I returned to Damian only to realize too late that I had hurt him badly. The next morning I watched him walk away. I wanted to apologize then, but my pride and stubbornness refused to let me. In the end, he moved to Nebraska, but before he left, he dedicated two songs to me. "Call Me When Your Sober" by Evanescence and "My Happy Ending" by Avril Lavigne.
     Little known fact, Damian used to wear bandannas a lot. I'm not sure if he still does, but I wear them to remind myself of what I did so I don't let it happen again, and because It reminds me of him. My current song dedication to him: "If I Could Turn Back Time" by Cher.

Pet Projects Are Good Boredom Busters

On a whim I wrote down the names of all the Ex-Boyfriends I have, or at least the ones that I remember. I didn't count the ones that were out of state, lasted only a week or two, or didn't have a major impact in my life. I had begun wondering, as I looked over the list, "If I had their mailing address, what would I write to them?"
I figured that if I were to write, even if the letters didn't go anywhere, it would be a good project to help me deal with loss and closure, since there are one or two that I really didn't get that from. So began my spontanious pet project I dubbed "What I Would Say To You Now."
I started with my very first ever Boyfriend and continued  to write to each one as if I were going to either mail it or hand it to them. My next few posts will be these letters. I Shall include background story in the end. I hope that if you read them, you will not think less of me or them. I decided not to withhold or change their names to mask their identity because I feel that by doing so I am saying that I am ashamed of being in a relationship with them or helping them cover up ever dating me. Also, If these letter get around, and/or possibly to the person they are about, I only wrote them to clear my conscience and get thoughts off my chest that I had always wondered about or wanted to say.

My side note to these Ex's (should they see it): If you find my letter to you unfavorable and feel as though I painted a very different picture of you, tough. These letters are from my perspective and I am telling it as I saw it. You may have your own opinion, and that is all perfectly well and good, but I too, have my own perspective. You may not like what you read, but to read it is/was your choice. I did not write these to deface any of you. If you feel the need to talk to me about what was written, you may certainly do so. If that conversation involves me being belittled for any reason whatsoever, I will cease communication and, if need be, take further action but only if necessary. I am not above talking over these letters with any of you, after all, you all have major parts in my life story. If you feel that I should remove your letter, once again I say tough. This is MY blog, MY opinions and thoughts, and MY choice. If you don't like it, don't read it. For the most part, you don't have much to worry about because the only people who really view the contents of my blog are close friends and, I'm certain, they have their own opinions of you as well.

Thank you for viewing my blog and I hope you find these letters insightful and inspirational. ~Dave